In the immortal words of Thurston Moore (and I'm pretty sure I'm just paraphrasing): "Why would anyone want to be a critic, anyway?"
It is in this spirit that I present to you my rankings for the top 10 records of 2016. See? At least 10 good things happened in this most non-non-non-non-heinous year. Here's to a much improved 2017. Cheers!
10) The Impossible Kid - Aesop Rock
Aesop Rock - Dorks
9) Gore - Deftones
Deftones - Gore
8) Command Your Weather - Big Business
Big Business - Horses
7) Teens of Denial - Car Seat Headrest
Car Seat Headrest - Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales
6) Monolith of Phobos - Claypool/Lennon Delirium
The Claypool/Lennon Delirium - The Cricket and the Genie
5) Nucleus - Witchcraft
Witchcraft - Malstroem
4) Stillicide - Helms Alee
Helms Alee - Tit to Toe
3) We got it From Here... Thank You 4 Your Service - A Tribe Called Quest
ATCQ - We the People...
2) Necronomidonkeykongimicon - Goblin Cock
Goblin Cock - Something Haunted
1) Future Echo Returns - Slomatics
Slomatics - Super Nothing
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."
I need this. To process through the feelings of failure, fear, and dread. I hope, if you are feeling some of those same things, this will help you process through those feelings like I intend it to help myself...
Well, it's happened. Donald J. Trump is our nation's president-elect, to be sworn in on Jan. 20, 2017. It seemed utterly impossible to me, not because the press told me there was no chance he could win (which is precisely what many Trump supporters are crowing today), but because I thought America was more decent than that. I never thought that America, as a whole, would choose not to roundly reject the xenophobia and nativism displayed by Mr. Trump.
I was not enthusiastic about Hillary Clinton. Her victory would not have been a reason for celebration. I think she would have been an extension of a less than stellar status quo. However, she would have been easier to defeat in four years, and at least we would have buried the ugliness that Trump brought to the surface. I think Trump is a juggernaut, and now that cat is out of the bag, and there is no putting a lid back on it. People have been given a license to proudly proclaim what before they at least had the decency to keep behind closed doors. Imagine that in four years, we will have to go through this disgusting display of negativity all over again. Imagine if it was your daughter Trump was referring to in those audio tapes. Imagine it is your son's friend's parents getting dragged away from their families to satisfy the self-ascribed victimhood of Trump's supporters. And that's exactly what we have here: A group of people, empowered for generations, witnessing the country become a bit more equitable. And with equality for others comes less privilege for them. They made themselves victims so they could justify their fear of losing their position of societal superiority.
I'm not going to mock their fear. I feel fear, too. I'm not afraid, as has been attributed to me the past 18 hours or so, of Trump's "power and decisiveness". I'm afraid of those who revel so passionately in words like "power" and "decisiveness". I'm afraid of what it means when Russian government agents are popping champagne and broadcasting congratulations to our new President. I'm afraid of how easily we forget that 24 hours ago, the election could not possibly have come out fair, how it was rigged; now it's a matter of how "the people have spoken". I'm afraid of how conservative talking heads are telling us we should not trust the newspapers anymore, instead we should listen to what they tell us. I'm afraid of those same people telling us that education is overrated and schools are nothing but a tool for government propaganda. I'm afraid of how Trump encouraged his supporters to beat and injure protestors. I'm afraid that nobody, not even Trumpeteers, have any idea how this man is going to govern. I'm afraid of Trump's cabinet selections: what if this becomes a repeat of the Reagan or W. Bush administrations?
But I don't want to let those things get me down. I want to stand up and be energized, to be more involved and socially active than ever before. I want to find bright spots in this very dark hour. At least California (mostly) did the right thing. Trump is an egomaniac, for sure, but maybe his egomania will not allow him to do the horrific things he discussed, for fear of not being widely loved. Maybe he'll be so objectionable as a leader that, in the backlash, we can elect some real, actual progressives to the House in 2018. Maybe, Clinton's downfall is the final death knell for a Democratic Party that has become nothing more than Republican-lite. I was heartened to find out that (as useless as statistics have proven to be), amongst 18-25 year olds, the electoral count would have been something like 504-20. So there is hope. It seems real f'ing bad right now, but we are America. We've come back from way worse than this, and against far more intelligent opponents.
Finally, I hope President Trump does well. I'm not so arrogant that I would like to see my country fail simply to get people that I like in power. I will afford him the respect of the Office of the President, and I will watch him tirelessly. We'll overcome this, America. Group hug.
I started thinking about this at some point between Anthony Rizzo's 6th-inning home run and Kenley Jansen's appearance in the Dodgers' bullpen. There is a part of me, as I type this, that still holds on to the impossible hope that Kyle Hendricks will suddenly lose his cool, Steve Bartman will climb over the left-field wall, and a billy goat will run onto the field and start gnawing on the infield grass. I understand that I will receive no sympathy for my feelings right now, as any torment I may be feeling, or have felt, over the past ten years, or even 28, pales in comparison to what generations of Cubs fans have suffered through. I don't deserve sympathy. I can't help but believe, though, that poor Clayton Kershaw certainly does. I'm sure Andrew Toles feels terrible about his first-inning error, but I am certain that the snake-bit Mr. Kershaw feels worse. It is Clayton who will be forced to endure another long, interminable winter being anointed with less-than-clever nicknames like Kerchoke or Chokeshaw (although, I do give credit to the Cubs fan with the "Curse-shaw" sign. Well played, good sir). That however, is the extent of any sympathy myself or my team will get. The Cubs were/are the overwhelming favorites, both on paper and emotionally, and the Cleveland Indians are not far behind in the sentimentality category. A quick aside: Cleveland, may I suggest you abandon the Jobu signage? Did you forget Jobu's fate? The Dodgers have the highest payroll in the league, a rival team in virtually every other national league city, a fanbase with a reputation (often well-deserved) for indifference, and a relatively short World Series drought, compare to the aforementioned teams. There will be no wet eyes tonight on their behalf.
Paul Buck - LA Times
As Kyle Hendricks leaves the field, cementing his place in Cubs' lore, and Kershaw has likewise cemented his own (although certainly a less-desirable one), I feel like it is my duty to "stick up" for these 2016 Dodgers. While it will not satisfy anyone in the stands or the clubhouse, 4 straight division championships is something to be proud of. I would trade them all for a World Series berth (stupid second wild-card), but much like the Atlanta Braves of the 1990's, the Dodgers have established a pattern of just-good-enough excellence that allows me to hold my head high and look forward with hope to 2017. The Dodgers faced much adversity this season, with 26 players finding time on the disabled list, including two months without ace Clayton Kershaw. That day on June 26th, they should have been buried, because truly, as go Kershaw's fortunes, so go the Dodgers'. But they were not buried; in fact, they coalesced, and roared back from an 8 1/2 game deficit at the All-Star Break to finish on top of their division. After losing the money-grubbing Zack Greinke to rival Arizona, our smoke-and-mirrors rotation of spare parts performed admirably enough to carry us through. Corey Seager is a no-brainer Rookie of the Year. Justin Turner proved he was a real baseball player, not a flash-in-the-pan. First-year manager Dave Roberts set a major league record with an unbelievable 603 mound visits, proving to be a clever strategist and a effective motivator. The fact that the "curse" would be broken against the Dodgers is not lost on me. It couldn't have possibly ended against any other team. The Dodgers, for all their success on the West Coast, have traditionally been a heartbreaker, not unlike their counterparts from the Windy City. For 20 years, the Dodgers of Brooklyn would come up just short against the juggernaut Yankees. They were known as "Dem Bums" of the Borough, and the mantra for Brooklynites was "wait 'til next year". This is the same club that came out on the losing end of the Ralph Branca/Bobby Thompson "shot heard 'round the world", the team that was the first to get 3 straight shutouts thrown against them in a single World Series, the team that surrendered both Hank Aaron's and Barry Bonds' record breaking home runs, and the team that would win those 4 consecutive pennants, yet would be forced to watch their second-place wild card rivals win 3 championships in five years. I want to be angry at the Cubs. I want to want them to get brutalized in the World Series. But I know that's just sour grapes, and I don't have the energy to be salty. Congratulations to the generations of Cubs fans who have been waiting 3 lifetimes for this. I'll watch Eddie Vedder hug Theo Epstein, and I won't even be upset about it. I'll just sit here and meditate on the words of the the late A. Bartlett Giamatti: “[Baseball] breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall all alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.” Wait 'til next year....
We interrupt this program for a very important announcement:
Here at AFSL, I've tried to avoid too much political discussion. I usually do most of that on Facebook, quick and easy. After all, I barely have time these days to discuss truly important topics like sports and music, why add another millstone around my neck? However, I feel it is my duty to take a moment and express my concern and disdain for the current debate regarding gun laws. No, I do not oppose reasoned and informed discussion, as that is one of the most important aspects of a functioning democracy, as well as one of my personal favorite pastimes. I do, however, find it exceptionally cringeworthy (not to mention nausea-inducing) when platitudes and invective enter into the discussion to replace cooperation and veracity. The gun debate has become an epicenter of misinformation. Of all the Amendments to the Constitution, only the 2nd Amendment seems to inflame such disagreement and passion. It is not suggested daily that the 1st or 5th Amendments be revisited, after all. I must admit to a certain bias in the following screed, so consider this nothing more than an editorial.
The Fecalator and a fan.
First, I'd like to briefly examine that argument that "if guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns." This is patently absurd, as there is not a politician from any party who is suggesting outlawing guns. This is a fiction established by the NRA to create fear and paranoia, which happens to be a perfect environment to sell more guns. An October 2015 article from factcheck.org examined a claim made by Donald Trump, current Republican Presidential nominee and endorsee of the National Rifle Association, that Pres. Obama was planning to sign an executive order that would order our "guns taken away." Not only is Trump clearly eloquent, he's simply wrong (or lying). I have posted the full article below*, but to paraphrase, Obama has stated that he "respects gun rights" and that gun confiscation would be "impossible". The only law regarding gun confiscation that is on the books currently allows gun confiscation from perpetrators of domestic violence. There is no instance of President Obama suggesting mass confiscation. An extension of this utterly ridiculous talking point employed by ammosexuals and NRA members is that we don't need gun laws because criminals wouldn't follow those laws, anyhow. If we follow that logic, why do we need any laws at all? What makes this talking point more disingenuous is that Republicans have demonstrated repeatedly that they understand precisely how laws restricting access to a good or service lessens the proliferation of that good or service. This is exactly why they have put so much effort into creating restrictive abortion laws across the South, shutting down clinics and enforcing "waiting periods". Simply put, by decreasing access to an item, less people are able to obtain that item. Here, Obama lays it out more eloquently than I possibly could:
I cannot speak for anyone else, but guns make me nervous. I feel less safe when they are around, not safer. That said, the idea of a "good guy with a gun" appeals to me, and I absolutely understand the desire for an individual to carry a gun for self-security or the protection of their family and property. I do not endorse or condone the complete overturn of the 2nd Amendment. I'm not sure anyone does.
There also exists an argument that those with "evil in their hearts" would find a way to commit atrocities regardless of whether they have guns or not. That may be true, so why should we make it easier for them to commit those atrocities by arming them with efficient killing tools? Yes, I said it, and I confess it: a gun is merely a tool. A tool that was designed for killing, and it is a very well-designed and effective tool. I have heard it argued at least a few dozen times, that perhaps we should outlaw cars since so many people die in car crashes each year, far more than die in gun violence. Despite that fact that, again, no one is trying to "outlaw" guns, cars are not designed to kill people. In fact, cars are engineered to minimize the loss of life if they are used improperly. Guns are engineered to maximize the loss of life if they are used properly. Surely, any person who is genuinely attempting to recognize that difference can easily do so. Maybe a maniac would try to build a bomb, or go on a stabbing spree? Again, all these uses entail the misuse of materials that are intended for other purposes. Guns, when used properly, take casualties. That is their sole purpose. The NRA is correct, a gun cannot intend to commit murder, people do that themselves, but guns are the tool best suited for the job. It is their purpose. Am I repeating myself?
Finally, I've got to ask: why has the NRA pushed so hard to restrict research into the area of gun violence? Are they afraid of what we might find out? Here is an article discussing the dearth of research into gun violence, and how it is stifling action in Congress. It disturbs me greatly to think there are people who are content to simply allow this pandemic of gun violence continue unabated. It is understandable to have differences on how to solve the problem, but to refuse to acknowledge the problem is foolish at best, sinister at worst. We live in a society where, unfortunately, we have become accustomed to serious violence on an almost weekly basis. The events in Turkey this week are spurning the International community to finally say enough is enough. We are tired of violence, and we need to take action. How and why are we unable to make the same decision domestically?
How daring, how unusual, how essentially meaningless! I have set out to create a list of the greatest bands of all time, and have purposely excluded the Beatles, the Stones, Led Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath. This is a strictly American list, mama, and the red, white, and blue is pulsing through the veins of your humble narrator. My companions and I addressed something similar to this on our hopefully-soon-worldwide-and-world-famous video podcast, Struck From The Record, but this one is different. I wanted to choose the best band from each state, and then hopefully have some kind of death match face-off to determine the greatest American band. Of course, this comes with some caveats. There are ton of great bands from states like New York, Washington, and California, and not so many great bands from Alaska. This means that one of the legendary CBGB bands will be left off the list, and some obscure Wyoming band will be included. So there you have it, already some controversy. I welcome it. When you have finished reading, hopefully you are pissed off enough to comment and share this with others, to demonstrate how stupid I am and how badly my taste leaves much to be desired. States are listed alphabetically, and when applicable, will include other bands/artists that were considered for the position. And yes, solo artists do count here. Onward!
Alabama - My immediate temptation was to pick Alabama. Who doesn't love "Mountain Music"? Then, I was tempted to choose Alabama Shakes, but they only have two records out, and on those two records, there is exactly one song I really know and love. I also made a personal note to not choose any band from Alabama that waved around the Confederate flag. This disqualified Lynyrd Skynrd, but they suck horribly, so they wouldn't have won, anyway. I understand that an argument can be made for them, but why don't YOU just go ahead and make it, since this is my soap-box and I say they are horrible (I'm right)*. I briefly considered Man or Astro-Man? for their contribution to MST3000, but that would be like choosing They Might Be Giants as New York's best band (spoiler!). Virtually every other band from the Heart of Dixie is the country-pop hybrid we have all come to know and loathe. The clear winner, then, is Mount Olive's own Hank Williams Sr. A quick glance at his writing credits should be persuasive enough (Your Cheatin' Heart, Jambalaya, Love Sick Blues, Hey Good Lookin'). Personal nerd factor: Joker sings "Cold, Cold Heart" to Batman at the end of Arkham Origins.
Winner: Hank Williams
Considerations: Alabama, Man or Astro-Man?, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Alabama Shakes
*Turns out, they aren't even from Alabama, but Florida. Points for Alabama.
Alaska - There is literally no band or artist I've ever heard of from Alaska with the exception of Jewel. The only question is, what version of Jewel do we represent? The homeless, guitar-slinging, adorably snaggle-toothed, misspelling poet? Or the deodorant commercial-making, writhing, Britney Spears copy? Built Like Alaska hails from our very own Central Valley, and since Sarah Palin's musical career hasn't taken off yet (you know you would listen, and you know it would be hilariously stupid), Jewel wins. The considerations are bands I decided must be cool based strictly on their band names. Please, if you have any of those bands' music available, fly it on over to me.
Winner: Jewel
Considerations: Young Fangs, The Sweeteners, We Shared Milk
Arizona - The first state to have many worthy additions. First, there are the Meat Puppets, but if we're being honest, isn't their fame based largely on the fact that Nirvana covered their songs? The Gin Blossoms also hail from the Grand Canyon State, and I'm a HUGE fan of "Hey Jealousy", but seriously? Soulfly claims to hail from AZ, and I almost chose them based on "Four Elements", but I couldn't get over the fact that I'm pretty sure that the Cavaleras are Brazilian. This may be hypocritical, considering that a Detroit transplant is the lead singer of the band that wins Arizona, originating there in 1967:
Personally, my favorite sound that ever came out of Arizona was the sound of Yasiel Puig cannonballing into the D-Backs pool. But I digress...
Winner: Alice Cooper
Considerations: Meat Puppets, Gin Blossoms, Soulfly, The Tubes, Jimmy Eat World (as if..)
Arkansas - Surprisingly, there is not as much country music as you would think from this staunchly southern state. There are, however a great deal of blues musicians that hail from the land of the Razorbacks. Al Green is the most obvious choice, as "Let's Stay Together" is certainly the most popular song to come from an Arkansan artist. However, the clear winner of the Natural State's greatest artist contest is the victor by a landslide:
"Ring of Fire". "Folsom Prison Blues". "I Walk The Line". "A Boy Named Sue". "I Got Stripes". You could make an argument that Johnny Cash invented American music. No question, we should all thank Kingsland, AR for their gift to American culture.
Winner: Johnny Cash
Considerations: Al Green, Conway Twitty, Junior Walker
California - Oh man. The Golden State is the home of gangster rap (or should I call it "gangsta"?Genuinely, I need to know), hair metal, the Bay area punk scene, and the psychedelic music of the 1960's. You could make a list of the 10 greatest bands ever, never leaving California, and it may be defensible. Here is a list of bands that certainly will NOT win: Green Day, Weezer, Blink-182, Korn, and ESPECIALLY NOT Journey or the Eagles. This is the problem with having so many bands in a state: If I made a list of the Top 10 worst bands ever, they could also all be from California. It is a place of abundance, and with abundance often comes an extreme lack of quality. The hip-hop/rap scene in California has provided us with some classics (N.W.A., Ice-T, Mac Mall, Tone Loc, Bone Thugs N' Harmony, Snoop Dogg, Digital Underground, Cypress Hill), but also some stinkers ( Tupac, Black Eyed Peas, RBL, Too $hort). and The only way to settle this, then, is to qualify it as "bands only". This disqualifies rappers, but keeps N.W.A. and Digital Underground in the running. As a resident of not only of California, but Modesto, I am gravitating toward anointing Grandaddy the best band from the Golden State. Then again, Guns N' Roses also hail from our glorious state. Motley Crue started in Los Angeles, as did Rage Against the Machine and Van Halen. The Wyld Stallyns brought time travel and a non-non-non heinous philosophy of excellence to San Dimas. Pavement originates from Stockton. Primus are from the Bay Area. Sacramento's own Deftones rank as one of my top favorite bands of all time. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Metallica. Hell, Lars Ulrich mentions them all the time. It's all he can talk about. I could go on and on and on, but if we are being really honest, there is really only one choice:
Yes, I also feel an undying urge to punch Mike Love in his face. You aren't alone. What exactly is it you hate about him the most? His undying devotion to suing Brian Wilson? His insistence that he "stuck it out" longer than any other Beach Boy, a claim rendered particularly malodorous given the circumstances of why Carl and Dennis Wilson are no longer "sticking it out"? His Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame inauguration speech? This?
Do not let that Clown of the Universe deter you. The power of the Beach Boys is simply undeniable. Brian Wilson's harmonies uplift the soul and soothe sadness. It is simply impossible to be sad when listening to the Beach Boys. Their music is from the spirit world.
Winner: The Beach Boys
Considerations: N.W.A., Faith No More, Primus, Stone Temple Pilots, Deftones, Metallica.
Colorado - For some reason, I have always been under the impression that the odious and detestable Dave Matthews Band was from Denver. Has there ever been a band that did less to make the '90's awesome? Luckily for the Centennial State, DMB does NOT hail from Denver. Perhaps I had them confused with the equally deplorable Leftover Salmon, or the String Cheese Incident, residents of Boulder. It appears that despite the very recent legalization of marijuana in Colorado, the residents there have been partaking for some time now. That is the only way I can fathom justifying the existence of a band like Leftover Salmon. India.Arie was born in Denver, but I dare you to name two India.Arie songs on which she is not simply the guest singer. Remember when Jill Sobule kissed a girl, while Katy Perry was still just a pastor's daughter? She's from Colorado, too. However, on the strength of one lonesome song, Colorado has been claimed:
Winner: Sugarloaf
Considerations: ???
Connecticut - You'll be shocked to learn that there are very few bands from Connecticut. In fact, it really comes down to two contenders (unless you consider "The Can Kickers"): The Five Satins or Hatebreed. Could there be two more opposite bands? The dilemma is this: Obviously Hatebreed kicks an exponentially higher degree of ass then the Five Satins, but the Five Satins are responsible for "In the Still of the Night", and without that song, we may not even be having this conversation:
Winner: The Five Satins
Considerations: Hatebreed, definitely not MGMT.
Delaware - Hi. I'm in Delaware. Perhaps it is appropriate that Delaware refers to itself as "The Diamond State", because like diamonds, quality music emanating from Delaware is extremely rare. Valleri Bertinelli is from Delaware, and she was married to Eddie Van Halen. Cab Calloway retired to Delaware, as did Tom Verlaine of Television, but they are not natives. True to its reputation, there just isn't much to say about Delaware (which is probably why wild men like Calloway and Verlaine retired there). Except for this:
George M'F'ing Thorogood. Wilmington, DE's gift to rock n' roll, and unquestionably one of the most hilariously badass dudes in all of music. Mr. Thorogood is a man of class, style, and grace, and clearly how the state of Delaware earned it's nickname.
Winner: George Thorogood and the Destroyers
Considerations: Boysetsfire?
Florida: The clear winner is Vanilla Ice. After running neck and neck with the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and the titan known as Lynyrd Skynrd, Vanilla Ice reigns supreme. Continue to 818 Beachfront Avenue and have a roni. Whatever you do, do not acknowledge that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are from Florida, or this list will prove laughable.
The Sunshine State should be down on its knees thanking Tom Petty for existing, as otherwise, it's musical claim to fame would be f'ing Lynyrd Skynyrd. What a horrid list of bands; besides the aforementioned trash, there is also Creed, Jimmy Buffett, Matchbox 20, Less Than Jake, Against Me!, and Limp Bizkit. Is it any wonder why the people there are so angry and crazed? It certainly explains Tampa's doom metal scene. Anything to cleanse the soul of such insipid garbage.
Winner: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Considerations: Morbid Angel, Deicide, Terence Trent D'Arby, KC & The Sunshine Band
Georgia: Ok, let's be serious for a moment. True, a recent wave of garbage music from the Peach State (worst state nickname?) has soiled the reputation of a formerly-mighty juggernaut. Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean and the Zac Brown Band are putrid trash escaped from the incinerator fire. But the list of quality bands or musicians from Georgia proves that the Empire of the South's flame is fueled from high-octane, NASCAR-grade gasoline. To name a few: Chet Atkins, Little Richard, Curtis Mayfield, R.E.M, Black Tusk, Baroness, Gladys Knight and Ray Charles. Has anyone ever considered the coincidence of Ray Charles endorsing Pepsi? It is extremely hard to cast a vote for anyone other than Ray Charles here, the man is clearly a legend, and the fact that his stature seems so clearly above the other obvious legends is a testament to his utter greatness. It is with this understanding that I submit to you a face-off. A showdown between two ultra-heavyweights who, in my opinion, occupy a level slightly beyond Ray Charles' (again, this is my list): Mastodon and Otis Redding. If you've got a problem with it, feel free to attempt to convince me.
That's right, two artists who, like Connecticut's bands before them, could not be more different, and like California's winner, whose music uplifts my soul. The mighty Mastodon versus the demigod Otis Redding. Mastodon seems to come from the depths of the ocean, while Otis Redding seems to have descended on a cloud.
There simply must be a winner....
Winner: Otis Redding. I cannot in good conscience vote against him.
Considerations: Mastodon, Baroness, Black Tusk, Ray Charles, R.E.M.
So, that's 10 states so far... Stay tuned, more to come....
