How daring, how unusual, how essentially meaningless! I have set out to create a list of the greatest bands of all time, and have purposely excluded the Beatles, the Stones, Led Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath. This is a strictly American list, mama, and the red, white, and blue is pulsing through the veins of your humble narrator. My companions and I addressed something similar to this on our hopefully-soon-worldwide-and-world-famous video podcast, Struck From The Record, but this one is different. I wanted to choose the best band from each state, and then hopefully have some kind of death match face-off to determine the greatest American band. Of course, this comes with some caveats. There are ton of great bands from states like New York, Washington, and California, and not so many great bands from Alaska. This means that one of the legendary CBGB bands will be left off the list, and some obscure Wyoming band will be included. So there you have it, already some controversy. I welcome it. When you have finished reading, hopefully you are pissed off enough to comment and share this with others, to demonstrate how stupid I am and how badly my taste leaves much to be desired. States are listed alphabetically, and when applicable, will include other bands/artists that were considered for the position. And yes, solo artists do count here. Onward!
Alabama - My immediate temptation was to pick Alabama. Who doesn't love "Mountain Music"? Then, I was tempted to choose Alabama Shakes, but they only have two records out, and on those two records, there is exactly one song I really know and love. I also made a personal note to not choose any band from Alabama that waved around the Confederate flag. This disqualified Lynyrd Skynrd, but they suck horribly, so they wouldn't have won, anyway. I understand that an argument can be made for them, but why don't YOU just go ahead and make it, since this is my soap-box and I say they are horrible (I'm right)*. I briefly considered Man or Astro-Man? for their contribution to MST3000, but that would be like choosing They Might Be Giants as New York's best band (spoiler!). Virtually every other band from the Heart of Dixie is the country-pop hybrid we have all come to know and loathe. The clear winner, then, is Mount Olive's own Hank Williams Sr. A quick glance at his writing credits should be persuasive enough (Your Cheatin' Heart, Jambalaya, Love Sick Blues, Hey Good Lookin'). Personal nerd factor: Joker sings "Cold, Cold Heart" to Batman at the end of Arkham Origins.
Winner: Hank Williams
Considerations: Alabama, Man or Astro-Man?, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Alabama Shakes
*Turns out, they aren't even from Alabama, but Florida. Points for Alabama.
Alaska - There is literally no band or artist I've ever heard of from Alaska with the exception of Jewel. The only question is, what version of Jewel do we represent? The homeless, guitar-slinging, adorably snaggle-toothed, misspelling poet? Or the deodorant commercial-making, writhing, Britney Spears copy? Built Like Alaska hails from our very own Central Valley, and since Sarah Palin's musical career hasn't taken off yet (you know you would listen, and you know it would be hilariously stupid), Jewel wins. The considerations are bands I decided must be cool based strictly on their band names. Please, if you have any of those bands' music available, fly it on over to me.
Winner: Jewel
Considerations: Young Fangs, The Sweeteners, We Shared Milk
Arizona - The first state to have many worthy additions. First, there are the Meat Puppets, but if we're being honest, isn't their fame based largely on the fact that Nirvana covered their songs? The Gin Blossoms also hail from the Grand Canyon State, and I'm a HUGE fan of "Hey Jealousy", but seriously? Soulfly claims to hail from AZ, and I almost chose them based on "Four Elements", but I couldn't get over the fact that I'm pretty sure that the Cavaleras are Brazilian. This may be hypocritical, considering that a Detroit transplant is the lead singer of the band that wins Arizona, originating there in 1967:
Personally, my favorite sound that ever came out of Arizona was the sound of Yasiel Puig cannonballing into the D-Backs pool. But I digress...
Winner: Alice Cooper
Considerations: Meat Puppets, Gin Blossoms, Soulfly, The Tubes, Jimmy Eat World (as if..)
Arkansas - Surprisingly, there is not as much country music as you would think from this staunchly southern state. There are, however a great deal of blues musicians that hail from the land of the Razorbacks. Al Green is the most obvious choice, as "Let's Stay Together" is certainly the most popular song to come from an Arkansan artist. However, the clear winner of the Natural State's greatest artist contest is the victor by a landslide:
"Ring of Fire". "Folsom Prison Blues". "I Walk The Line". "A Boy Named Sue". "I Got Stripes". You could make an argument that Johnny Cash invented American music. No question, we should all thank Kingsland, AR for their gift to American culture.
Winner: Johnny Cash
Considerations: Al Green, Conway Twitty, Junior Walker
California - Oh man. The Golden State is the home of gangster rap (or should I call it "gangsta"?Genuinely, I need to know), hair metal, the Bay area punk scene, and the psychedelic music of the 1960's. You could make a list of the 10 greatest bands ever, never leaving California, and it may be defensible. Here is a list of bands that certainly will NOT win: Green Day, Weezer, Blink-182, Korn, and ESPECIALLY NOT Journey or the Eagles. This is the problem with having so many bands in a state: If I made a list of the Top 10 worst bands ever, they could also all be from California. It is a place of abundance, and with abundance often comes an extreme lack of quality. The hip-hop/rap scene in California has provided us with some classics (N.W.A., Ice-T, Mac Mall, Tone Loc, Bone Thugs N' Harmony, Snoop Dogg, Digital Underground, Cypress Hill), but also some stinkers ( Tupac, Black Eyed Peas, RBL, Too $hort). and The only way to settle this, then, is to qualify it as "bands only". This disqualifies rappers, but keeps N.W.A. and Digital Underground in the running. As a resident of not only of California, but Modesto, I am gravitating toward anointing Grandaddy the best band from the Golden State. Then again, Guns N' Roses also hail from our glorious state. Motley Crue started in Los Angeles, as did Rage Against the Machine and Van Halen. The Wyld Stallyns brought time travel and a non-non-non heinous philosophy of excellence to San Dimas. Pavement originates from Stockton. Primus are from the Bay Area. Sacramento's own Deftones rank as one of my top favorite bands of all time. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Metallica. Hell, Lars Ulrich mentions them all the time. It's all he can talk about. I could go on and on and on, but if we are being really honest, there is really only one choice:
Yes, I also feel an undying urge to punch Mike Love in his face. You aren't alone. What exactly is it you hate about him the most? His undying devotion to suing Brian Wilson? His insistence that he "stuck it out" longer than any other Beach Boy, a claim rendered particularly malodorous given the circumstances of why Carl and Dennis Wilson are no longer "sticking it out"? His Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame inauguration speech? This?
Do not let that Clown of the Universe deter you. The power of the Beach Boys is simply undeniable. Brian Wilson's harmonies uplift the soul and soothe sadness. It is simply impossible to be sad when listening to the Beach Boys. Their music is from the spirit world.
Winner: The Beach Boys
Considerations: N.W.A., Faith No More, Primus, Stone Temple Pilots, Deftones, Metallica.
Colorado - For some reason, I have always been under the impression that the odious and detestable Dave Matthews Band was from Denver. Has there ever been a band that did less to make the '90's awesome? Luckily for the Centennial State, DMB does NOT hail from Denver. Perhaps I had them confused with the equally deplorable Leftover Salmon, or the String Cheese Incident, residents of Boulder. It appears that despite the very recent legalization of marijuana in Colorado, the residents there have been partaking for some time now. That is the only way I can fathom justifying the existence of a band like Leftover Salmon. India.Arie was born in Denver, but I dare you to name two India.Arie songs on which she is not simply the guest singer. Remember when Jill Sobule kissed a girl, while Katy Perry was still just a pastor's daughter? She's from Colorado, too. However, on the strength of one lonesome song, Colorado has been claimed:
Winner: Sugarloaf
Considerations: ???
Connecticut - You'll be shocked to learn that there are very few bands from Connecticut. In fact, it really comes down to two contenders (unless you consider "The Can Kickers"): The Five Satins or Hatebreed. Could there be two more opposite bands? The dilemma is this: Obviously Hatebreed kicks an exponentially higher degree of ass then the Five Satins, but the Five Satins are responsible for "In the Still of the Night", and without that song, we may not even be having this conversation:
Winner: The Five Satins
Considerations: Hatebreed, definitely not MGMT.
Delaware - Hi. I'm in Delaware. Perhaps it is appropriate that Delaware refers to itself as "The Diamond State", because like diamonds, quality music emanating from Delaware is extremely rare. Valleri Bertinelli is from Delaware, and she was married to Eddie Van Halen. Cab Calloway retired to Delaware, as did Tom Verlaine of Television, but they are not natives. True to its reputation, there just isn't much to say about Delaware (which is probably why wild men like Calloway and Verlaine retired there). Except for this:
George M'F'ing Thorogood. Wilmington, DE's gift to rock n' roll, and unquestionably one of the most hilariously badass dudes in all of music. Mr. Thorogood is a man of class, style, and grace, and clearly how the state of Delaware earned it's nickname.
Winner: George Thorogood and the Destroyers
Considerations: Boysetsfire?
Florida: The clear winner is Vanilla Ice. After running neck and neck with the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and the titan known as Lynyrd Skynrd, Vanilla Ice reigns supreme. Continue to 818 Beachfront Avenue and have a roni. Whatever you do, do not acknowledge that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are from Florida, or this list will prove laughable.
The Sunshine State should be down on its knees thanking Tom Petty for existing, as otherwise, it's musical claim to fame would be f'ing Lynyrd Skynyrd. What a horrid list of bands; besides the aforementioned trash, there is also Creed, Jimmy Buffett, Matchbox 20, Less Than Jake, Against Me!, and Limp Bizkit. Is it any wonder why the people there are so angry and crazed? It certainly explains Tampa's doom metal scene. Anything to cleanse the soul of such insipid garbage.
Winner: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Considerations: Morbid Angel, Deicide, Terence Trent D'Arby, KC & The Sunshine Band
Georgia: Ok, let's be serious for a moment. True, a recent wave of garbage music from the Peach State (worst state nickname?) has soiled the reputation of a formerly-mighty juggernaut. Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean and the Zac Brown Band are putrid trash escaped from the incinerator fire. But the list of quality bands or musicians from Georgia proves that the Empire of the South's flame is fueled from high-octane, NASCAR-grade gasoline. To name a few: Chet Atkins, Little Richard, Curtis Mayfield, R.E.M, Black Tusk, Baroness, Gladys Knight and Ray Charles. Has anyone ever considered the coincidence of Ray Charles endorsing Pepsi? It is extremely hard to cast a vote for anyone other than Ray Charles here, the man is clearly a legend, and the fact that his stature seems so clearly above the other obvious legends is a testament to his utter greatness. It is with this understanding that I submit to you a face-off. A showdown between two ultra-heavyweights who, in my opinion, occupy a level slightly beyond Ray Charles' (again, this is my list): Mastodon and Otis Redding. If you've got a problem with it, feel free to attempt to convince me.
That's right, two artists who, like Connecticut's bands before them, could not be more different, and like California's winner, whose music uplifts my soul. The mighty Mastodon versus the demigod Otis Redding. Mastodon seems to come from the depths of the ocean, while Otis Redding seems to have descended on a cloud.
There simply must be a winner....
Winner: Otis Redding. I cannot in good conscience vote against him.
Considerations: Mastodon, Baroness, Black Tusk, Ray Charles, R.E.M.
So, that's 10 states so far... Stay tuned, more to come....
