I'm gonna buy TNA.
No, not the kind you can buy on 9th street for 20 dollars, although I might be able to get this TNA for about the same price. I'm referring to Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, which carries a show on POP TV, which used to be called the TV Guide Channel. This is after losing their featured slot on Spike TV, which used to be called TNN, which used to carry Monday Night Raw. After losing their spot on Spike TV, they moved, oh so momentarily, to Destination America, which used to be called the Discovery Channel. This career trajectory and mishmash of home channels goes some distance in explaining what the hell is wrong with TNA. People cannot watch if they don't know what damn channel it is on. But that doesn't tell the whole story. I am one of the few who stood by TNA long after many fans, not to mention their own roster of wrestlers, jumped ship, but even I have been unable to stomach the putrid programming that has Dixie Carter and company have been trying to pass off as professional wrestling. Looking back, we all thought it was a great idea when TNA parted ways with Vince Russo, and Dixie Carter's financial backing seemed to be a godsend. Then Carter brought in Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to produce the show, obviously unaware of the former's self-serving agenda, avarice, and short-sightedness. TNA finally purged itself of Hulkamania, and in my household, at least, there was much rejoicing (meaning I rejoiced alone on my couch while my wife rolled her eyes at me from over her book, essentially patting me on the head from across the room). However, before Hogan left, he drained TNA's coffers and crushed any of the unique elements that set TNA apart from WWF. He ran back to Vince McMahon and enjoyed what I'm quite sure was a 1,674th run in that company's spotlight. Karma eventually caught up to Hogan, but the damage to TNA was already done.
Dixie Carter watched Hulk Hogan use her company's money to sue Gawker and make even more money, but TNA was, and still is, in trouble. She immediately made a future-ensuring move by allowing A.J. Styles and Velvet Sky to walk, A.J. signing with the WWF and currently reigns as World Heavyweight Champion there, while Velvet followed her boyfriend Bubba Ray Dudley to the WWF, but couldn't make it onto TV. Now she sells autographed velvet undergarments (really) on her personal website. Side note: Velvet Sky and Bubba Ray Dudley? There is hope for us all.
A.J. would be followed by Eric Young, Bobby Roode, James Storm (who would eventually crawl back to TNA), and Brutus Magnus, to name a few. In desperation, Dixie Carter reached out, unbelievably, to Billy Corgan (yes, that Billy Corgan). Strangely, this is not Billy Corgan's first shot at running a wrestling company, as he founded Resistance Pro Wrestling in the Chicago area in 2011. Corgan proved adept at attracting as many as 300 people (really) to his blockbuster shows across the Windy City. Who better to save a national wrestling brand with global TV exposure than a guy who runs a regional company in Chicago and used to sing for the Smashing Pumpkins? If this whole relationship seems like strange bedfellows to you, you are absolutely correct. I love pro wrestling, and I love the Smashing Pumpkins, but the two things don't have much in common, and the mind that conjured up one probably has no business attempting to save an entity in the other. But it happened, and Billy Corgan immediately made sure that the company was well-prepared for the future by introducing us to Decay, a group of face-painted juggalos that walk out to the ring using Marilyn Manson music for a theme:
Immediately following the creation of this video, Billy Corgan sued Dixie Carter for complete control of the company. And Pop TV pulled all funding for the show.
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| I wonder if Eddie Vedder could help... |
Without going too far into Impact's dire monetary situation, which I am certain that I am up to speed regarding all details about, I'm pretty sure I can conjure up the 50 bucks or so necessary to purchase Total Nonstop Action. So, I just bought a lemon. How do I make lemonade?
- Change the name. Immediately: Even when TNA was a successful wrestling company, this was a silly name. It has always bugged me, anyway, but now that TNA is under new ownership, there is good reason to change it. The name is associated with the old brand, and that old brand has a bad reputation for failure (you heard that in Jon Taffer's voice, admit it). If possible, I would rekindle the relationship TNA once had with the National Wrestling Alliance. The NWA is a brand with a long and storied history, name recognition, and best of all, they already have a roster full of promising young talent from across the country (Joey Ryan FTW!). Barring this, I think a name that actually has "wrestling" in the title would help.
- Find a new channel: Not only has POP TV lost enthusiasm for the product, but they didn't do a particularly good job with the entity even when they did try. Take one look at the current TNA product, if you can stomach it: Dimly lit, shoddy production values, and worst of all, it isn't even broadcast in HD. By comparison, Ring of Honor, which doesn't have a home channel or time slot, manages to broadcast in high definition. Another benefit of finding a new channel is that the show would be off the air during the search. The passage of time would allow memories of TNA to die, and would help to disassociate the new brand from its old, pathetic incarnation. Granted, this may not be a particularly easy task, considering how many channels have already taken a chance on TNA and been burned by its mediocrity. I would certainly have to invest in some decent light rigs and quality cameras. Production values need to be improved. If ECW was able to do it in the 1990's, largely without the benefit of the Internet or modern technology, it can certainly be done today. Perhaps it would be prudent to consider FITE.TV or some other Internet entity until the name was established, then shop the entirely different-from-TNA wrestling company to channels seeking to fill a time slot. Any time slot, that is, except for Monday nights. Which brings me to...
- Do not attempt to compete with the WWF: This isn't to say that Vince McMahon's juggernaut would not be a good model to follow, but Vince prides himself on running an entertainment company, fun for the whole family. Usually, "fun for the whole family" means "wholesome and insulting to an adult's intelligence", and this is especially true in WWF's case. While I want children to enjoy our my new wrestling company, I want it to focus on wrestling. We are not an entertainment company. We do not take our stars off the air to film another direct-to-DVD edition of "The Marine". Not only is some of that stuff pretty silly, but WWF already does it "better" than any other company could hope to. TNA made the mistake of trying to compete with WWF, particularly when Hogan was in charge. He got rid of the six-sided ring, which pleased me, personally, but was something that TNA viewers enjoyed, and it set TNA apart. TNA used to have two entrance ramps, one for the "good guys", one for the "bad guys", and it served the suspension of disbelief required to enjoy wrestling fully. These guys must have really, genuinely disliked each other, they have to get dressed in separate locker rooms. The WWF constantly shows good guys and bad guys alike hobnobbing with fans, sharing locker rooms, and traveling together. That's fine for them, but our new brand is a WRESTLING company, and in pro wrestling, good guys and bad guys don't inter-mingle. I would reinstate "kayfabe" start treating the wrestlers on the roster like real adversaries. Imagine how cool it would be, for example, if you were at one of those meet n' greets the WWF puts on, but instead of getting to the front of the line and seeing two television rivals sitting side-by-side signing autographs, the "villain" was nowhere to be seen until he came out from behind the curtain and attacked the "hero" with you standing right there? These are the kinds of differences that would set a company apart from Vince's operation.
- Stop elevating "old WWF guys" over homegrown talent: Recognizable names from the WWF certainly can play a valuable part in getting fans to tune in to your show; familiar faces are certainly a positive. However, TNA has a long track record of signing WWF talent and immediately making them the literal poster-children for the the company. Mick Foley was 13 years removed from his first championship run in the WWF, and a decade removed from his "farewell" match at WrestleMania XVI when he made his TNA debut. He was the company's champion by the end of his first 365 days within the company. This is absurd on two levels: Why was he in the company for a period of 365 days to begin with, and why was he being elevated over young talent? How does it help the future of your brand if your young, homegrown talent is being defeated by "retired" WWF wrestlers? Foley defeated Sting in a steel cage match to win the title, and Sting, in turn, had defeated Samoa Joe at Bound for Glory, TNA's flagship pay-per-view, earlier that year. Why is Samoa Joe putting Sting over? What good does it do for Sting? Does his legacy require a run as TNA World Champion? Does TNA believe it will benefit their brand, long-term, if a balding, barely in-shape 40 year old is beating their "indestructible" young champion? This goes back to the previous ideal: do not try to compete with the WWF. The reason I was tuning into TNA was to see a different type of wrestling product, one that focused on athleticism and making new young stars. If Sting and Mick Foley are fighting for your world heavyweight championship in 2009, all while your roster includes names like Samoa Joe, A.J. Styles, Hernandez, Matt Morgan, and Bobby Roode, you have miscalculated. Both of the aforementioned veterans were at least 10 years past their prime. Unfortunately for TNA, WWF has now figured out, themselves, that fans today want to see new stars made, and that having older guys "pass the torch" to a new generation is what's best for business. TNA has missed the boat, so now they have to depend on absurdity like "Broken" Matt Hardy. Speaking of him...
- Immediately take the Hardys off television and kick them out of my company: I understand that TNA is enjoying their highest ratings in some time. They've gone from about 250,000 viewers to 350,000 weekly. That is a pathetic number for a wrestling show, as wrestling programs have, since the advent of cable, been among the most profitable and widely-watched. Still, in their infinite wisdom, TNA's brain trust has credited this "success" to the absurd Matt Hardy vignettes. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:
- Stop elevating "old WWF guys" over homegrown talent: Recognizable names from the WWF certainly can play a valuable part in getting fans to tune in to your show; familiar faces are certainly a positive. However, TNA has a long track record of signing WWF talent and immediately making them the literal poster-children for the the company. Mick Foley was 13 years removed from his first championship run in the WWF, and a decade removed from his "farewell" match at WrestleMania XVI when he made his TNA debut. He was the company's champion by the end of his first 365 days within the company. This is absurd on two levels: Why was he in the company for a period of 365 days to begin with, and why was he being elevated over young talent? How does it help the future of your brand if your young, homegrown talent is being defeated by "retired" WWF wrestlers? Foley defeated Sting in a steel cage match to win the title, and Sting, in turn, had defeated Samoa Joe at Bound for Glory, TNA's flagship pay-per-view, earlier that year. Why is Samoa Joe putting Sting over? What good does it do for Sting? Does his legacy require a run as TNA World Champion? Does TNA believe it will benefit their brand, long-term, if a balding, barely in-shape 40 year old is beating their "indestructible" young champion? This goes back to the previous ideal: do not try to compete with the WWF. The reason I was tuning into TNA was to see a different type of wrestling product, one that focused on athleticism and making new young stars. If Sting and Mick Foley are fighting for your world heavyweight championship in 2009, all while your roster includes names like Samoa Joe, A.J. Styles, Hernandez, Matt Morgan, and Bobby Roode, you have miscalculated. Both of the aforementioned veterans were at least 10 years past their prime. Unfortunately for TNA, WWF has now figured out, themselves, that fans today want to see new stars made, and that having older guys "pass the torch" to a new generation is what's best for business. TNA has missed the boat, so now they have to depend on absurdity like "Broken" Matt Hardy. Speaking of him...
- Immediately take the Hardys off television and kick them out of my company: I understand that TNA is enjoying their highest ratings in some time. They've gone from about 250,000 viewers to 350,000 weekly. That is a pathetic number for a wrestling show, as wrestling programs have, since the advent of cable, been among the most profitable and widely-watched. Still, in their infinite wisdom, TNA's brain trust has credited this "success" to the absurd Matt Hardy vignettes. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:
That was horrendous.
Wrestling has always been about suspending your disbelief, and in turn, wrestling companies have taken reality and notched it up to a fantastic nth degree. But there has always been a basis in actual, mortal reality, with a few exceptions (like this horrible one right here). In an era when ROH and WWF have largely abandoned the super-gimmicky characters in an effort to create a big, prize-fight atmosphere (largely thanks to the emergence of UFC), TNA has reverted back to the absurd fantasy of the mid-1990's. The mid-1990's are known industry-wide as a down time for the sport, and TNA has hitched their wagon to an act that not only hearkens back to that ridiculous time, but features two guys who actually got their start in that time period (violating the previous rule regarding "old" WWF wrestlers). I could mention all the inanity that occurred in that just-under-3-minutes video, but you witnessed it, and wouldn't you rather forget it? The Hardys are a bunch of drug-addled goons, and honestly, the 250,000 Internet dweebs who think this stuff is awesome are welcome to hate my new show. It means I'm doing something right. They are correct about one thing, though: they should be deleted. Deleted. Deleted.
Of course, these are all things that would need to happen before the show even went on the air. A few more positive moves, like untangling the mess of championship belts (Grand championship? Global Championship? TV Championship? King of the Mountain Championship? What the hell is this championship called?) would help. I think I'll throw money at Kenny Omega and CM Punk to convince them to join my fledgling outfit. Yes, I know CM Punk is a former-WWF guy, but unlike TNA, I'd use Punk to help get guys over. It would be absolutely foolish not to acquire CM Punk's talents, assuming he's ready to give up on his UFC dream; he comes with so much notoriety and intrigue within wrestling circles that those same 250,000 nerds couldn't help but watch.
He left WWF at the height of his popularity, not as a veteran who had been "retired" for 13 years. Giving him a platform on national television to address his grievances with Vince McMahon and Triple H, his comments on Colt Cabana's "Art of Wrestling" podcast, and his desire to defeat them would automatically attract his legion of fans who still chant his name at WWF events. At 37 years old, he does not have a long-term future in wrestling, but he would be excellent for giving "the rub" to the new guys. Kenny Omega, for his part, is already a huge star in Japan who is in the prime of his career, and would be an excellent choice to carry the belt for an extended period of time, granting it legitimacy and notoriety.
Anytime I have an excuse to talk about wrestling this much, it's a good day. Until next time, remember: space is the place.
