Merry Xmas. That's so I can piss of both Xtians and atheists.
I have honestly never made a New Year's resolution. I have always figured it would just be an exercise in futility.
And it probably is, but it could be fun. Since I've never done it before, I'll make it easy on myself. Then, I'll still break each one. Except the ones that are meaningless, which I will never give up on. Perhaps a new way to gamble has just been suggested?
1) Infiltrate Club 33 by talking my way in.
2) At long last, tell a noisy teenager in a movie theater to shut the hell up.
3) Listen to more music from the 90's
4) Watch more movies from the 80's
5) Memorize a list of crock pot recipes
6) Drink less (I've got 48 hours to rage, but what does "less" mean, anyway?).
7) Carry a notepad. Write down random wisdom/buffoonery and keep it forever.
8) Beat more video games (consider this one a LOCK).
9) Read more books.
10) Become certified in something.
11) Exercise regularly. Sigh...
12) Get a portrait of myself made.
13) Retain, and re-use, some ancient Norse wisdom.
14) Tithe. To anything BUT a church.
15) Quote the bible to a Christian. Out of context.
16) Shave my face when necessary, not ABSOLUTELY necessary.
17) Hope shaving leads to long-sought magical Berzerker Beard.
18) Cause Matt Kemp and Rhianna to break up.
What's that smell!? Is it my sweatshirt, or is that success?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Rules for Dining Out (A Cook's Perspective)....
Being that The Brown Note has spent the majority of his time as a member of the American workforce working in food service/food preparation, particularly restaurants, he has had plenty of time to become acquainted with some reoccurring behaviors practiced by diners. With the exception of a small hiatus to be a college student who worked in a record store (great fuckin' job, by the way), the last 12 years of The Brown Note's employment history has been spent slaving, sweating, cussing, laughing, cleaning, scrubbing, slicing, dicing, charring, frying, and grilling in a seemingly never-ending time crunch that he couldn't abandon if he wanted to. Yes, overall, the Brown Note's profession is very enjoyable, but as it tends to happen, there is always an asshole to rain on his otherwise cheery parade.
Now, lovely readers, The Brown Note KNOWS that none of you radiant ones would DARE participate in the behavior we are about to discuss. So don't look at this as an advice column. Look at it more as a chance for your humble narrator (Anthony Burgess bite alert!) to vent his frustrations at those who are less fortunate. Those who were not blessed with the grace and humility that you were. And maybe, just maybe, you can show this to some of your asshole friends, and they can get a grip.
So, without further ado, let The Brown Note present his rules for enjoying a night dining out and not pissing off your wait/kitchen staff:
1) Mind Your Manners - It may not seem like much to you, but The Brown Note has seen servers get VERY distraught over rude and demanding customers. The servers all understand that they are there to wait on you hand and foot, basically, but still really appreciate being treated like humans. Snapping your fingers at them, or holding up your empty glass and waving it at them, is incredibly douche-y, and believe me, the server WILL tell the kitchen staff, and your food WILL NOT be cooked with any sort of urgency whatsoever. Trust me, servers WANT you to enjoy your meal and have a great time, they are NOT trying to neglect you, and will be happy to provide you with pretty much everything you request (barring ludicrous requests, which we will address shortly), just as long as you are understanding of the fact that these are people, and you are not King Richard. You are certainly not the only person that is being attended to by this server, and simply saying "please" and "thank you" will take you farther than you could probably imagine.
2) 7:15 means 7:15 - If you make a reservation at a restaurant, show up on time. If you are gonna be late, call and re-schedule. Do NOT show up 30 minutes late and expect the staff to be waiting with baited breath for your stately arrival. It is true that most restaurants will go way beyond the call of duty to accommodate you, but they will not be happy, and once again, the kitchen staff will curse you and delay your food experience. If you submit a pre-order, pick it up when you say you will, or be prepared for it to be luke-warm and sub-par. If you say you want it at 6:30, we will have it ready at 6:30, but if you show up at 7:00 to grab it, do not make demands that we remake it, because that is tacky as fuck. We have other people to focus on now, people who made reservations for 7 that were here AT 7, so fuck you and fuck 6:30.
3) Rules about closing time - It's really fuckin' simple, folks. If a restaurant closes at 10:00, DO NOT come in at 9:50 and order a 3-course meal. Sure, we understand we close at 10, not 9:55, but that doesn't mean we want to make you a full rack of ribs, some garlic fries, and a chicken alfredo 5 minutes before closing. The rule of thumb should be this: If a kitchen closes at 10, get there between 9-9:30 and your golden. If you are too hungry to resist and you have to go out past 9:30, keep it strictly fried food and everything will be copacetic. A 9:55 order of chicken wings and french fries is not a big deal. A 9:55 order of a Philly Cheese Steak and a Pan-Seared Chicken is a HUGE FUCKIN' DEAL. Personally, I refuse to go to restaurant an hour or less before closing. Just sayin'...
4) Interacting with the kitchen - Before you do this, ask yourself: Am I friends with anyone back there? If the answer is "NO", then that is the same answer to whether or not we can help you. Asking us for napkins, forks, ranch dressing, iced tea, or any number of other things is strictly annoying and we will hate you. Ask your fuckin' server, they are getting paid to help you. We aren't getting tipped, so kiss our collective asses. Even more annoying than asking us for things, is asking us where your server is. Seriously? Did you just leave your table, that your server could be walking past right now, to ask us, the mutants who signed up for this because we hate people and don't want to interact with them, where your server is? Shit, I wish I knew! They have hot food in the window! Now fuck off...
5) Complaining about food - A tricky situation. Here's the rub: If we actually fucked up, we will be more than happy to fix it. For example, if you asked for a pizza with no mushrooms, and you receive a pizza with mushrooms, then we blew it and will fix it with pleasure. Now, if you order a French Dip sandwich, eat half of it, then complain that it was too dry, well then fuck off. You should've complained much sooner. If it was not up to your standards, how the fuck did you "choke" half of it down, then decide to complain? If I had a nickel for every time some douche ate an ENTIRE calzone and then complained that it was somehow wrong, I would seriously own the restaurant I currently work at. Also, make sure you NEVER complain that you know how to cook the food you are sending back better than the person who will be cooking it. First of all, if that's the case, then fuck you, go do it, then. Secondly, is your last name Ramsay, Fieri, Flay, or Bourdain? If not, then I really don't give a damn what you say, because you are a BBQ warrior, and you suck. Not that it doesn't take awesome skill to BBQ...
6) This restaurant is not your home - You may not mind that your kitchen floor is covered in french fries because your punk-ass kids are throwing said spuds to and fro. You may not mind that the same punk-ass kids scream all their desires at the top of their lungs. You may not mind puking every place BUT the toilet in your own bathroom. You may enjoy getting drunk and chanting obnoxiously at anyone who happens to come into your immediate circle. You may even like fighting with your neighbors, who I'm sure appreciate as much as you do, you tool, but we DO NOT. And neither do the multitude of other customer who are currently patronizing our establishment. If you can't handle your children or your booze, stay the fuck home. No one likes you.
So there you have it, lovely readers. Abide by these rules, and I promise you your next dining out experience will be top notch. Tell 'em the Brown Note sent you.....
Now, lovely readers, The Brown Note KNOWS that none of you radiant ones would DARE participate in the behavior we are about to discuss. So don't look at this as an advice column. Look at it more as a chance for your humble narrator (Anthony Burgess bite alert!) to vent his frustrations at those who are less fortunate. Those who were not blessed with the grace and humility that you were. And maybe, just maybe, you can show this to some of your asshole friends, and they can get a grip.
So, without further ado, let The Brown Note present his rules for enjoying a night dining out and not pissing off your wait/kitchen staff:
1) Mind Your Manners - It may not seem like much to you, but The Brown Note has seen servers get VERY distraught over rude and demanding customers. The servers all understand that they are there to wait on you hand and foot, basically, but still really appreciate being treated like humans. Snapping your fingers at them, or holding up your empty glass and waving it at them, is incredibly douche-y, and believe me, the server WILL tell the kitchen staff, and your food WILL NOT be cooked with any sort of urgency whatsoever. Trust me, servers WANT you to enjoy your meal and have a great time, they are NOT trying to neglect you, and will be happy to provide you with pretty much everything you request (barring ludicrous requests, which we will address shortly), just as long as you are understanding of the fact that these are people, and you are not King Richard. You are certainly not the only person that is being attended to by this server, and simply saying "please" and "thank you" will take you farther than you could probably imagine.
2) 7:15 means 7:15 - If you make a reservation at a restaurant, show up on time. If you are gonna be late, call and re-schedule. Do NOT show up 30 minutes late and expect the staff to be waiting with baited breath for your stately arrival. It is true that most restaurants will go way beyond the call of duty to accommodate you, but they will not be happy, and once again, the kitchen staff will curse you and delay your food experience. If you submit a pre-order, pick it up when you say you will, or be prepared for it to be luke-warm and sub-par. If you say you want it at 6:30, we will have it ready at 6:30, but if you show up at 7:00 to grab it, do not make demands that we remake it, because that is tacky as fuck. We have other people to focus on now, people who made reservations for 7 that were here AT 7, so fuck you and fuck 6:30.
3) Rules about closing time - It's really fuckin' simple, folks. If a restaurant closes at 10:00, DO NOT come in at 9:50 and order a 3-course meal. Sure, we understand we close at 10, not 9:55, but that doesn't mean we want to make you a full rack of ribs, some garlic fries, and a chicken alfredo 5 minutes before closing. The rule of thumb should be this: If a kitchen closes at 10, get there between 9-9:30 and your golden. If you are too hungry to resist and you have to go out past 9:30, keep it strictly fried food and everything will be copacetic. A 9:55 order of chicken wings and french fries is not a big deal. A 9:55 order of a Philly Cheese Steak and a Pan-Seared Chicken is a HUGE FUCKIN' DEAL. Personally, I refuse to go to restaurant an hour or less before closing. Just sayin'...
4) Interacting with the kitchen - Before you do this, ask yourself: Am I friends with anyone back there? If the answer is "NO", then that is the same answer to whether or not we can help you. Asking us for napkins, forks, ranch dressing, iced tea, or any number of other things is strictly annoying and we will hate you. Ask your fuckin' server, they are getting paid to help you. We aren't getting tipped, so kiss our collective asses. Even more annoying than asking us for things, is asking us where your server is. Seriously? Did you just leave your table, that your server could be walking past right now, to ask us, the mutants who signed up for this because we hate people and don't want to interact with them, where your server is? Shit, I wish I knew! They have hot food in the window! Now fuck off...
5) Complaining about food - A tricky situation. Here's the rub: If we actually fucked up, we will be more than happy to fix it. For example, if you asked for a pizza with no mushrooms, and you receive a pizza with mushrooms, then we blew it and will fix it with pleasure. Now, if you order a French Dip sandwich, eat half of it, then complain that it was too dry, well then fuck off. You should've complained much sooner. If it was not up to your standards, how the fuck did you "choke" half of it down, then decide to complain? If I had a nickel for every time some douche ate an ENTIRE calzone and then complained that it was somehow wrong, I would seriously own the restaurant I currently work at. Also, make sure you NEVER complain that you know how to cook the food you are sending back better than the person who will be cooking it. First of all, if that's the case, then fuck you, go do it, then. Secondly, is your last name Ramsay, Fieri, Flay, or Bourdain? If not, then I really don't give a damn what you say, because you are a BBQ warrior, and you suck. Not that it doesn't take awesome skill to BBQ...
6) This restaurant is not your home - You may not mind that your kitchen floor is covered in french fries because your punk-ass kids are throwing said spuds to and fro. You may not mind that the same punk-ass kids scream all their desires at the top of their lungs. You may not mind puking every place BUT the toilet in your own bathroom. You may enjoy getting drunk and chanting obnoxiously at anyone who happens to come into your immediate circle. You may even like fighting with your neighbors, who I'm sure appreciate as much as you do, you tool, but we DO NOT. And neither do the multitude of other customer who are currently patronizing our establishment. If you can't handle your children or your booze, stay the fuck home. No one likes you.
So there you have it, lovely readers. Abide by these rules, and I promise you your next dining out experience will be top notch. Tell 'em the Brown Note sent you.....
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