How come not one single passerby was tempted to simply let their German Shepard off it's leash that day? Where was I?
Where is a K-9 unit when you need one?
Because celebrities aren't people, despite what they may insist, we are completely justified, nay, REQUIRED, in mocking them and hoping they fail. The protestations of intrusions made upon them, or their insistence on privacy, we all know, are farcical. Sure, at times, they may be the objects of our desires, which could very well be a part of why we hate them so, but this is not jealousy or envy. We love to see them fail, and in fact, we wish for it to happen, so that we can gloat, and be secure in the knowledge that while we (I) may be frumpier, poorer, and really not very well-liked, at least we are actually people, and we feel crappy about lots of stuff, all the time. Watching them have to deal with human feelings (even in the most shallow of ways) is reaffirming.
One of the ways we demonstrate our superiority over them is through our relationships. Celebrities divorce more, fight more, and sue each other more often and for more money, and it is this that gives us our greatest satisfaction. Sure, we don't really CARE about them, or even really KNOW them, but whenever a well-known break-up occurs, we always at least LIKE one of them more than the other. So we keep score. Hell, we do it to ourselves. How many of us have an ex that we hope dates someone uglier or more pathetic than us, next time? We conjure up images of how unhappy they are, or how they sit awake at night looking at their new significant other, pining for us. Whenever we can get invested in a relationship, and win (or lose) in it, without any real consequence, it is only natural for us to soak it up. Besides, celebrites aren't real people.
So, for your reading pleasure, may I submit to you the Brown Note's Ranking List of Celebrity Break-Ups, the winners and the losers. Enjoy!
1. Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston
Let's start with possibly the most well-known, and perhaps one of the easiest, celebrity break-up winner/loser scenarios of all-time. These two were despicably attractive and successful, and it seemed serendipitous that they would be married. Then, Brad Pitt did something that had men and women alike hating him: He dumped Jennifer Aniston (arguably "America's Sweetheart") and shacked up with Angelina Jolie. Everybody was incensed at Brad for kicking Jenny (I feel like I can call her that) to the curb, but deep-down, nobody could really blame him. Men and women alike knew that Angelina Jolie was the stuff that fantasies are made of.
Meanwhile, tabloids ran story after story about how poor Ms. Aniston was losing her mind, couldn't find love, and was horribly jealous of Brangelina, even writing letters and starting fights. We believed it, because it is so incredibly believable. There were no two more physically gifted (in a manner of speaking) people than Brad and Angelina. This seemed like an easy win for Brad, and even Jenny knew it. However, people always love an underdog, and Jenny seemed to actually gain popularity. Women didn't hate her anymore, in fact, they felt for her, losing a spartan like Brad, and men decided that, shit, she can only go down from Brad Pitt, so maybe I've got a chance.
But then... something started to happen...
Angelina Jolie started to look like Judy Garland. Maybe all the African children she adopted ran her ragged, but clearly, something was taking it's toll on her. She's starting to look like the things Lara Croft finds in a tomb.
Meanwhile, this also started happening...
Ms. Aniston got fed up and started taking off her clothes. The headline of this magazine says it all. No kids, films that didn't necessarily make you want to scoop out your own kneecaps (if you're a man), heart-warming romantic comedies that reflect reality's boundless possibilities for love (if you're a woman), and still decidedly likable. Jenny starts appearing on "Most Desirable" lists. Then, she starts appearing on them ranked above Billy Bob's sloppy seconds. Men start denying ever being that in to Angelina Jolie. Men start lying about always having found Jenny attractive. Women still hate Jolie, for keeping that Trojan Brad Pitt away from them.
Winner: Jennifer Aniston
2. Shaquille O' Neal/Kobe Bryant
In 1997, the Lakers, for the umpteenth time in their existence, opened up their considerable wallets and wooed a giant, marble-mouthed, bald-headed, basketball monster from a less fortunate team. Oddly, and not the least bit ironically, it would not be the last time this would occur. Shaquille O'Neal was always a media whore, so Los Angeles was the perfect place for him. Just as long as he never wins a title.
All this talent, and he could RAP, too!?
While Shaq was out making high-quality films and records, not concentrating on basketball, the Lakers were trading Vlade Divac to Charlotte for a draft pick that they would turn into Kobe Bryant. Kobe Bryant was a 17-year-old Michael Jordan disciple who wore his I.Q. on his jersey for the first half of his career. He didn't really get a chance to start until his 3rd year in the league, in which he developed a penchant for ball-hogging and averaged 19.9 points a game. Then, it happened. In the 1999-2000 season, Shaq, Kobe, and a bunch of ham n' eggers won their first of 3 consecutive NBA titles. Besides receiving more than a little assistance from the refs in 2001 against a superior Kings team, and the fact that their competition in the Finals was a pathetically put-together Nets team, they totally deserved it. Kobe and Shaq combined to score 85% of their teams' points while taking 99% of the shots (Disclaimer: I may be exaggerating a bit), and were, quite simply, the talk of tinsel-town.
I can only think of ONE thing these two woulda rather been kissing...
Then, in a break-up that was apparently orchestrated by coach Phil Jackson, because it makes total sense for a coach to intentionally pit his two utterly dominant All-Stars against each other, Kobe and Shaq had a somewhat indescribable falling out. I mean, egos couldn't possibly be the reason, right? The Lakers made the choice to trade Shaq to the Miami Heat in 2004, and this is where the winner/loser saga really started to take flight...
Most writers at the time (do NOT let them lie to you), thought it was a terrible mistake to trade Shaq and keep Kobe. Shaq was a center, at the time considered a much more important position (different from today's NBA), and Kobe was developing a reputation for being entitled and insolent (well...). After the trade, Shaq would join forces with Dywane Wade (another terribly likable young man, these days) to bring the first championship to Miami in 2006. Kobe would, on his own, take 99% of the Lakers' shots, score 100% of their points, and shoot 40%. The Lakers failed to make the playoffs for a couple of years. Much to the delight of yours truly, the Lakers were looking rather flaccid (which, considering Kobe's vacations in Colorado, was not easy to do).
In 2008, Kobe got his ass handed to him by Paul Pierce and lost the first and only 6-game sweep in NBA Finals history. Shaq graciously wrote a rap song about it. The lyrics:
"You know how I be, last week Kobe couldn't do it without me."
Well, how could Kobe possibly, ever, come back from THAT!?
He won back-to-back championships in 2009 and 2010. Excuse me while I wipe the vomit off my chin.
Shaq took up space in Cleveland while LeBron played hot potato with the basketball whenever the clock had anything below 5:00 on it. The best part of this section is I got to insult Kobe, Shaq, Wade, and LeBron. To hell with both of these guys, I WIN!
Final ring tally:
Shaq: 4
Kobe: 5
Winner: Kobe Bryant
3. Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries
Nope, let's just move on....
Winner: Kris Jenner
4. Bruce Willis/Demi Moore
He makes awesome movies, she makes crappy ones. They have a daughter together that most definitely did NOT win the genetic lottery and looks exactly like Bruce, so coupled with the fact that she actually IS Bruce's daughter, no man who loves his own life would ever consider dating her. Better movies, an untouched-by-a-man daughter, and being generally badass enough to never lose anything because he's Bruce Willis. This one should be cut and dry, right? Not so fast...
Rumer Willis, Daddy's little girl. Ewwww...
Demi Moore is ridiculously good-looking. She's also obviously a cougar, which means Bruce Willis doesn't fit the bill anymore. We all know cougars are awesome, especially hot ones, so even if those aren't necessarily marks AGAINST Bruce, they are certainly marks in favor of Demi Moore.
Unfortunately, we know now that Demi Moore is BATSHIT INSANE. I suppose we should have known this all along, as usually, cougar-hood is a dead giveaway. We didn't want to believe it, though. Her and Ashton Kutcher (who needs to be punched in the face RIGHT NOW) seemed fairly happy and normal. Sure, we never really believed it would last, but it wasn't outright offensive (like those Kardashian broads). Then, Ashton Kutcher, much like Brad Pitt before him, did something that every single man under the sun (except Bruce Willis) would've done. He traded in Demi Moore for Mila Kunis.
Tales of mid-life crises behavior began to flood to us. She begain writing strange letters or making strange statements, appearing incredibly intoxicated in public (with no prior history) and making a drunken fool of herself, and throwing herself at Lenny Kravitz. Nobody had any sympathy for her though, because unlike our friend Jenny, Demi Moore was never entirely likable. Sure, she gave the ladies Ghost, but since she had the terrible haircut, and there was NOTHING redeeming about that film if you are not a female, the menfolk couldn't get behind her. She tried to buy our sympathies with Striptease, but she was still married to Bruce, and in the film she was getting naked for BURT FUCKIN' REYNOLDS. Nobody wants to think about the object of their desires and Burt Reynolds simultaneously, so that little ploy failed, drastically.
The last piece of evidence needs no words:
If that doesn't say it all, I don't know what does. The looks on Bruce's and Kutcher's faces are self-explanatory. Kutcher is encroaching on Willis' sloppy seconds, and Bruce had her in her prime. Bruce knows it, and not only that, Bruce is gonna go have sex with Brooke Burns when this is all over. Yippee-Ki-Yay!
Winner: Bruce Willis
5. The Beatles
There is no need, whatsoever, for me to get into the history of the break-up of the Beatles, so let's just examine the facts:
John Lennon - Became something of an American hero, which is especially strange since his legendary "Bed-In" took place in Canada, and he was British. John was unquestionably the lynch pin for the Beatles' fame, and was often the focal-point for the group, particularly in the early years. His detestable wife, Yoko Ono, is often blamed for the break-up of the Beatles, although I tend to disagree (more on that when we get to Paul). Still, she is Yoko Ono. Anybody ever seen the cover of Two Virgins? John Lennon was shot outside of his apartment in New York at the age of 40 in 1980, so it's pretty hard to make a case for him as the winner in any circumstance.
Trust me, you've seen enough...
In the interest of this contest, let's consider his post-Beatles work:
- Imagine
- Instant Karma
- Regular appearances on The Mike Douglas Show
- Jealous Guy
- The Plastic Ono Band
Paul McCartney - In my opinion, the real reason the Beatles broke up. By FAR the most prolific writer in the Beatles, though certainly not always the best. In fact, is responsible for some of the worst trash the band ever put out. Paul often excluded the other members of the Beatles, even when still in the band. Of course, he is now known as Sir Paul McCartney, which is pretty cool, but it would be a whole lot cooler if got to wear chain mail and carry a halberd. The Norse would still rock his puny British ass in a fight. Perhaps, he gets sympathy points for suffering through a marriage to that detestable cripple, Heather Mills, who not only robbed him of a decent amount of cash (if you consider divorce settlements robbery), but convinced him to turn vegetarian. Egad! Somehow, he was the Beatle who got caught trying to smuggle pot into another country, which anyone who knows anything about the Beatles knows is more than slightly ironic.
Post-Beatles work:
- Ram
- Maybe I'm Amazed
- Wings
- Live and Let Die
- Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time
Ringo Starr - Was the drummer for the Beatles, and a good one, but now he makes his living making children's television and touring with Todd Rundgren. Decidedly un-cool. let's move on...
George Harrison - I confess to bias here, as Dear Sweet George is by far my favorite Beatle. He definitely had the hottest wife of them all (Patty Boyd) but she was disgusting and left George for his best friend, Eric Clapton. This, of course, after he wrote Something for her. To be fair, George also banged Ringo's wife, and that's just not cool. I mean, hell, he's already Ringo, why are you messin' with his wife!? In fact, it seems like there is a whole other break-up contest within a break-up contest, here. Harrison/Boyd/Clapton/Ringo. Perhaps another time...
Post-Beatles work:
- Traveling Wilburys
- Concert for Bangladesh
- Isn't It a Pity?
- Generally being George Harrison
I declined to put a fifth entry for George, because it would have to be that insipid single from the 80's that I would rather not discuss. To be honest, I don't have it in me to make a case against George, and since this contest is NOT who was the best Beatle, but who won the break-up, let's just take a good look at all the respect the man was given, and by whom, upon his passing. True power, this:
Winner: George Harrison
So, that's it for now, lovely readers. I have plenty more, but I think I'll reserve that for a part 2 somewhere down the road. Can't just give up all my good work right away, y'know? Until next time, thank you for your patronage, and remember.... Be excellent to each other.
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