Merry Xmas. That's so I can piss of both Xtians and atheists.
I have honestly never made a New Year's resolution. I have always figured it would just be an exercise in futility.
And it probably is, but it could be fun. Since I've never done it before, I'll make it easy on myself. Then, I'll still break each one. Except the ones that are meaningless, which I will never give up on. Perhaps a new way to gamble has just been suggested?
1) Infiltrate Club 33 by talking my way in.
2) At long last, tell a noisy teenager in a movie theater to shut the hell up.
3) Listen to more music from the 90's
4) Watch more movies from the 80's
5) Memorize a list of crock pot recipes
6) Drink less (I've got 48 hours to rage, but what does "less" mean, anyway?).
7) Carry a notepad. Write down random wisdom/buffoonery and keep it forever.
8) Beat more video games (consider this one a LOCK).
9) Read more books.
10) Become certified in something.
11) Exercise regularly. Sigh...
12) Get a portrait of myself made.
13) Retain, and re-use, some ancient Norse wisdom.
14) Tithe. To anything BUT a church.
15) Quote the bible to a Christian. Out of context.
16) Shave my face when necessary, not ABSOLUTELY necessary.
17) Hope shaving leads to long-sought magical Berzerker Beard.
18) Cause Matt Kemp and Rhianna to break up.
What's that smell!? Is it my sweatshirt, or is that success?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Rules for Dining Out (A Cook's Perspective)....
Being that The Brown Note has spent the majority of his time as a member of the American workforce working in food service/food preparation, particularly restaurants, he has had plenty of time to become acquainted with some reoccurring behaviors practiced by diners. With the exception of a small hiatus to be a college student who worked in a record store (great fuckin' job, by the way), the last 12 years of The Brown Note's employment history has been spent slaving, sweating, cussing, laughing, cleaning, scrubbing, slicing, dicing, charring, frying, and grilling in a seemingly never-ending time crunch that he couldn't abandon if he wanted to. Yes, overall, the Brown Note's profession is very enjoyable, but as it tends to happen, there is always an asshole to rain on his otherwise cheery parade.
Now, lovely readers, The Brown Note KNOWS that none of you radiant ones would DARE participate in the behavior we are about to discuss. So don't look at this as an advice column. Look at it more as a chance for your humble narrator (Anthony Burgess bite alert!) to vent his frustrations at those who are less fortunate. Those who were not blessed with the grace and humility that you were. And maybe, just maybe, you can show this to some of your asshole friends, and they can get a grip.
So, without further ado, let The Brown Note present his rules for enjoying a night dining out and not pissing off your wait/kitchen staff:
1) Mind Your Manners - It may not seem like much to you, but The Brown Note has seen servers get VERY distraught over rude and demanding customers. The servers all understand that they are there to wait on you hand and foot, basically, but still really appreciate being treated like humans. Snapping your fingers at them, or holding up your empty glass and waving it at them, is incredibly douche-y, and believe me, the server WILL tell the kitchen staff, and your food WILL NOT be cooked with any sort of urgency whatsoever. Trust me, servers WANT you to enjoy your meal and have a great time, they are NOT trying to neglect you, and will be happy to provide you with pretty much everything you request (barring ludicrous requests, which we will address shortly), just as long as you are understanding of the fact that these are people, and you are not King Richard. You are certainly not the only person that is being attended to by this server, and simply saying "please" and "thank you" will take you farther than you could probably imagine.
2) 7:15 means 7:15 - If you make a reservation at a restaurant, show up on time. If you are gonna be late, call and re-schedule. Do NOT show up 30 minutes late and expect the staff to be waiting with baited breath for your stately arrival. It is true that most restaurants will go way beyond the call of duty to accommodate you, but they will not be happy, and once again, the kitchen staff will curse you and delay your food experience. If you submit a pre-order, pick it up when you say you will, or be prepared for it to be luke-warm and sub-par. If you say you want it at 6:30, we will have it ready at 6:30, but if you show up at 7:00 to grab it, do not make demands that we remake it, because that is tacky as fuck. We have other people to focus on now, people who made reservations for 7 that were here AT 7, so fuck you and fuck 6:30.
3) Rules about closing time - It's really fuckin' simple, folks. If a restaurant closes at 10:00, DO NOT come in at 9:50 and order a 3-course meal. Sure, we understand we close at 10, not 9:55, but that doesn't mean we want to make you a full rack of ribs, some garlic fries, and a chicken alfredo 5 minutes before closing. The rule of thumb should be this: If a kitchen closes at 10, get there between 9-9:30 and your golden. If you are too hungry to resist and you have to go out past 9:30, keep it strictly fried food and everything will be copacetic. A 9:55 order of chicken wings and french fries is not a big deal. A 9:55 order of a Philly Cheese Steak and a Pan-Seared Chicken is a HUGE FUCKIN' DEAL. Personally, I refuse to go to restaurant an hour or less before closing. Just sayin'...
4) Interacting with the kitchen - Before you do this, ask yourself: Am I friends with anyone back there? If the answer is "NO", then that is the same answer to whether or not we can help you. Asking us for napkins, forks, ranch dressing, iced tea, or any number of other things is strictly annoying and we will hate you. Ask your fuckin' server, they are getting paid to help you. We aren't getting tipped, so kiss our collective asses. Even more annoying than asking us for things, is asking us where your server is. Seriously? Did you just leave your table, that your server could be walking past right now, to ask us, the mutants who signed up for this because we hate people and don't want to interact with them, where your server is? Shit, I wish I knew! They have hot food in the window! Now fuck off...
5) Complaining about food - A tricky situation. Here's the rub: If we actually fucked up, we will be more than happy to fix it. For example, if you asked for a pizza with no mushrooms, and you receive a pizza with mushrooms, then we blew it and will fix it with pleasure. Now, if you order a French Dip sandwich, eat half of it, then complain that it was too dry, well then fuck off. You should've complained much sooner. If it was not up to your standards, how the fuck did you "choke" half of it down, then decide to complain? If I had a nickel for every time some douche ate an ENTIRE calzone and then complained that it was somehow wrong, I would seriously own the restaurant I currently work at. Also, make sure you NEVER complain that you know how to cook the food you are sending back better than the person who will be cooking it. First of all, if that's the case, then fuck you, go do it, then. Secondly, is your last name Ramsay, Fieri, Flay, or Bourdain? If not, then I really don't give a damn what you say, because you are a BBQ warrior, and you suck. Not that it doesn't take awesome skill to BBQ...
6) This restaurant is not your home - You may not mind that your kitchen floor is covered in french fries because your punk-ass kids are throwing said spuds to and fro. You may not mind that the same punk-ass kids scream all their desires at the top of their lungs. You may not mind puking every place BUT the toilet in your own bathroom. You may enjoy getting drunk and chanting obnoxiously at anyone who happens to come into your immediate circle. You may even like fighting with your neighbors, who I'm sure appreciate as much as you do, you tool, but we DO NOT. And neither do the multitude of other customer who are currently patronizing our establishment. If you can't handle your children or your booze, stay the fuck home. No one likes you.
So there you have it, lovely readers. Abide by these rules, and I promise you your next dining out experience will be top notch. Tell 'em the Brown Note sent you.....
Now, lovely readers, The Brown Note KNOWS that none of you radiant ones would DARE participate in the behavior we are about to discuss. So don't look at this as an advice column. Look at it more as a chance for your humble narrator (Anthony Burgess bite alert!) to vent his frustrations at those who are less fortunate. Those who were not blessed with the grace and humility that you were. And maybe, just maybe, you can show this to some of your asshole friends, and they can get a grip.
So, without further ado, let The Brown Note present his rules for enjoying a night dining out and not pissing off your wait/kitchen staff:
1) Mind Your Manners - It may not seem like much to you, but The Brown Note has seen servers get VERY distraught over rude and demanding customers. The servers all understand that they are there to wait on you hand and foot, basically, but still really appreciate being treated like humans. Snapping your fingers at them, or holding up your empty glass and waving it at them, is incredibly douche-y, and believe me, the server WILL tell the kitchen staff, and your food WILL NOT be cooked with any sort of urgency whatsoever. Trust me, servers WANT you to enjoy your meal and have a great time, they are NOT trying to neglect you, and will be happy to provide you with pretty much everything you request (barring ludicrous requests, which we will address shortly), just as long as you are understanding of the fact that these are people, and you are not King Richard. You are certainly not the only person that is being attended to by this server, and simply saying "please" and "thank you" will take you farther than you could probably imagine.
2) 7:15 means 7:15 - If you make a reservation at a restaurant, show up on time. If you are gonna be late, call and re-schedule. Do NOT show up 30 minutes late and expect the staff to be waiting with baited breath for your stately arrival. It is true that most restaurants will go way beyond the call of duty to accommodate you, but they will not be happy, and once again, the kitchen staff will curse you and delay your food experience. If you submit a pre-order, pick it up when you say you will, or be prepared for it to be luke-warm and sub-par. If you say you want it at 6:30, we will have it ready at 6:30, but if you show up at 7:00 to grab it, do not make demands that we remake it, because that is tacky as fuck. We have other people to focus on now, people who made reservations for 7 that were here AT 7, so fuck you and fuck 6:30.
3) Rules about closing time - It's really fuckin' simple, folks. If a restaurant closes at 10:00, DO NOT come in at 9:50 and order a 3-course meal. Sure, we understand we close at 10, not 9:55, but that doesn't mean we want to make you a full rack of ribs, some garlic fries, and a chicken alfredo 5 minutes before closing. The rule of thumb should be this: If a kitchen closes at 10, get there between 9-9:30 and your golden. If you are too hungry to resist and you have to go out past 9:30, keep it strictly fried food and everything will be copacetic. A 9:55 order of chicken wings and french fries is not a big deal. A 9:55 order of a Philly Cheese Steak and a Pan-Seared Chicken is a HUGE FUCKIN' DEAL. Personally, I refuse to go to restaurant an hour or less before closing. Just sayin'...
4) Interacting with the kitchen - Before you do this, ask yourself: Am I friends with anyone back there? If the answer is "NO", then that is the same answer to whether or not we can help you. Asking us for napkins, forks, ranch dressing, iced tea, or any number of other things is strictly annoying and we will hate you. Ask your fuckin' server, they are getting paid to help you. We aren't getting tipped, so kiss our collective asses. Even more annoying than asking us for things, is asking us where your server is. Seriously? Did you just leave your table, that your server could be walking past right now, to ask us, the mutants who signed up for this because we hate people and don't want to interact with them, where your server is? Shit, I wish I knew! They have hot food in the window! Now fuck off...
5) Complaining about food - A tricky situation. Here's the rub: If we actually fucked up, we will be more than happy to fix it. For example, if you asked for a pizza with no mushrooms, and you receive a pizza with mushrooms, then we blew it and will fix it with pleasure. Now, if you order a French Dip sandwich, eat half of it, then complain that it was too dry, well then fuck off. You should've complained much sooner. If it was not up to your standards, how the fuck did you "choke" half of it down, then decide to complain? If I had a nickel for every time some douche ate an ENTIRE calzone and then complained that it was somehow wrong, I would seriously own the restaurant I currently work at. Also, make sure you NEVER complain that you know how to cook the food you are sending back better than the person who will be cooking it. First of all, if that's the case, then fuck you, go do it, then. Secondly, is your last name Ramsay, Fieri, Flay, or Bourdain? If not, then I really don't give a damn what you say, because you are a BBQ warrior, and you suck. Not that it doesn't take awesome skill to BBQ...
6) This restaurant is not your home - You may not mind that your kitchen floor is covered in french fries because your punk-ass kids are throwing said spuds to and fro. You may not mind that the same punk-ass kids scream all their desires at the top of their lungs. You may not mind puking every place BUT the toilet in your own bathroom. You may enjoy getting drunk and chanting obnoxiously at anyone who happens to come into your immediate circle. You may even like fighting with your neighbors, who I'm sure appreciate as much as you do, you tool, but we DO NOT. And neither do the multitude of other customer who are currently patronizing our establishment. If you can't handle your children or your booze, stay the fuck home. No one likes you.
So there you have it, lovely readers. Abide by these rules, and I promise you your next dining out experience will be top notch. Tell 'em the Brown Note sent you.....
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Momentary genius, and attempts to capture it.
No, readers, the Brown Note is not discussing his 24-hour state of being. Of course, The Brown Note could expound on that subject for hours.
Hey, wait, why is Dennis Rodman on CNN discussing politics? Isn't he a former NBA player who had his own reality show and was married to, then eventually battered, Carmen Electra? Give me the clicker!!
Anyhow, as much as The Brown Note KNOWS you would LOVE to hear The Brown Note discuss his own excellency, this, sadly, is not a manifesto about that.This, lovely readers, is a record of all the fabulous things the Brown Note hears everyday. The finest moments in life are the moments of accidental and beautiful hilarity, and the Brown Note has been blessed with them in abundance. Maybe it's because The Brown Note surrounds himself with awesome fuckin' people.
Whatever the reason, The Brown Note appreciates these moments and fellows very much, and offers this tribute of digital immortalization:
"Hey Malone, where is Holland? Is it in Germany?" - James Myers
"Don't ask me any questions, baby. There is no 'Y' in 'penis'" - (name withheld to protect the innocent)
"I don't mind you coming here... And wasting all my lube, lubey, lube (sung to the tune of The Cars' 'Just What I Needed') - Josh Thompson
"It's really true. Men are dogs. We're dogs because we are stupid and loyal and just want to be touched. But women, women are cats. They will dodge and avoid you if you try to pet them, but if you don't want them around, they will rub against your leg and purr." - Eaden Isaacs
"I'm not afraid of anything. The only time I've ever been afraid is when my wife found out I was cheating. I dealt with that, so now I don't have to be afraid of shit!!" - (name withheld to protect the innocent)
Brown Note: "Hey man, why are girls so much better than dudes at Dr. Mario? I mean, it's a game about logic. Girls shouldn't be good at it."
James Myers: "Yeah, but you have to understand, it's also a game about cleaning."
The Brown Note has recently started carrying paper and pen with him everywhere he goes, in order to capture fabulous moments just like this. Hopefully, it will help improve these somewhat mundane entries by helping The Brown Note remember details, therefore making this whole business more interesting.
Top 5 songs of the moment:
5) Cleopatra's Cat - Spin Doctors
4) Farewell - Boris
3) Where the Bee Sucks, So Suck I - Harvey Milk
2) I'll Finish You Off - Melvins
1) Electric Flower - Melvins
Thank you for reading, readers.
Hey, wait, why is Dennis Rodman on CNN discussing politics? Isn't he a former NBA player who had his own reality show and was married to, then eventually battered, Carmen Electra? Give me the clicker!!
Anyhow, as much as The Brown Note KNOWS you would LOVE to hear The Brown Note discuss his own excellency, this, sadly, is not a manifesto about that.This, lovely readers, is a record of all the fabulous things the Brown Note hears everyday. The finest moments in life are the moments of accidental and beautiful hilarity, and the Brown Note has been blessed with them in abundance. Maybe it's because The Brown Note surrounds himself with awesome fuckin' people.
Whatever the reason, The Brown Note appreciates these moments and fellows very much, and offers this tribute of digital immortalization:
"Hey Malone, where is Holland? Is it in Germany?" - James Myers
"Don't ask me any questions, baby. There is no 'Y' in 'penis'" - (name withheld to protect the innocent)
"I don't mind you coming here... And wasting all my lube, lubey, lube (sung to the tune of The Cars' 'Just What I Needed') - Josh Thompson
"It's really true. Men are dogs. We're dogs because we are stupid and loyal and just want to be touched. But women, women are cats. They will dodge and avoid you if you try to pet them, but if you don't want them around, they will rub against your leg and purr." - Eaden Isaacs
"I'm not afraid of anything. The only time I've ever been afraid is when my wife found out I was cheating. I dealt with that, so now I don't have to be afraid of shit!!" - (name withheld to protect the innocent)
Brown Note: "Hey man, why are girls so much better than dudes at Dr. Mario? I mean, it's a game about logic. Girls shouldn't be good at it."
James Myers: "Yeah, but you have to understand, it's also a game about cleaning."
The Brown Note has recently started carrying paper and pen with him everywhere he goes, in order to capture fabulous moments just like this. Hopefully, it will help improve these somewhat mundane entries by helping The Brown Note remember details, therefore making this whole business more interesting.
Top 5 songs of the moment:
5) Cleopatra's Cat - Spin Doctors
4) Farewell - Boris
3) Where the Bee Sucks, So Suck I - Harvey Milk
2) I'll Finish You Off - Melvins
1) Electric Flower - Melvins
Thank you for reading, readers.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A worthwhile Top 10 list
Here it is. Top 10 songs you should be listening to/seeking out right now, in band-song format. Thank me later:
10) Big Business - Shields
9) Mike Patton/Mondo Cane- Deep Down
8) Totimoshi - Light Lay Frowning
7) Queen Elephantine - Gloaming
6) Brocas Helm - Cry of the Banshee
5) Arctic Monkeys - A Certain Romance
4) Joe Perry Project - I've Got the Rock n' Rolls Again
3) Joe Perry Project - TV Police
2) Aerosmith - Get the Lead Out
1) Thrones - Obolus (the 19:00 version, not 45:00)
Of course, if you are The Better Half, these songs are available to you immediately at no extra cost.
Cheers.
10) Big Business - Shields
9) Mike Patton/Mondo Cane- Deep Down
8) Totimoshi - Light Lay Frowning
7) Queen Elephantine - Gloaming
6) Brocas Helm - Cry of the Banshee
5) Arctic Monkeys - A Certain Romance
4) Joe Perry Project - I've Got the Rock n' Rolls Again
3) Joe Perry Project - TV Police
2) Aerosmith - Get the Lead Out
1) Thrones - Obolus (the 19:00 version, not 45:00)
Of course, if you are The Better Half, these songs are available to you immediately at no extra cost.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Gay Pride Parade and Dark Days...
The Brown Note still hasn't wrapped his mind around it. How can this be!?
BN sensed his opportunity. BN stood up, allowing his Dodger Blue "Beat The Giants" shirt to become fully visible to Wilson. BN Then shouts:
How can the San Francisco VaGiants be World Series Champions!?
A team that has languished, gloriously, in futility are World Champions!?
Oh wait, The Brown Note knows how this happened. It's The Brown Note's fault. It's called The Curse of the Brown Note.
The Curse of The Brown Note is the reason Darryl Strawberry has a coke problem and flushed his career down the tubes. The Curse of the Brown Note is the reason "Macho Man" Randy Savage has not been inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame, while Hulk Hogan goes on to become a bigger star than ever, thanks to his detestable reality show. The Curse of The Brown Note is the reason bands like The Melvins and Before 20 aren't the most popular bands in the universe, despite being the best. The Curse of The Brown Note is probably the reason you, beautiful reader, are not independently wealthy.
To put it very plainly, The Curse of The Brown Note is one that causes all things The Brown Note supports to fail in spectacular ways, and all things The Brown Note despises to rise, inevitably, to the top of the heap.
Let The Brown Note tell you a story. One fine, sun-drenched, Los Angeles day, The Brown Note and 3 of his best compatriots were settling into their yellow seats at the baseball mecca known as Dodger Stadium. The opponents that day? The VaGiants. Now, being the excellent Dodger fan The Brown Note is (aren't we all?), The Brown Note arrived early, while warm-ups were still taking place. Those of you who are familiar with baseball tradition know that the home team always goes first for BP, and since The Brown Note had spent the last 2 days at Disneyland, and this was a 1:05 game, there was no hope of BN arriving in time to witness Dodger warm-ups. BN was there, however, in plenty of time to watch the dreaded and hated VaGiants take their final warm-ups. After discovering, much to his everlasting delight, that Dodger Stadium sells 32 oz. cans of Bud Light at their concession stands, and after downing 2 of said cans rather rapidly, The Brown Note was ready to take his seat. As Brown Note's better half very graciously sauntered, as only she can, back toward the concessions to pick up a 3rd beer for BN, BN saw it. It was almost too good to be true. Dave Righetti, VaGiants pitching coach, was having a pow-wow with 2 of his pitchers just outside the Giants bullpen, which is where BN was sitting. Who the 1st pitcher was, BN doesn't know, and frankly, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because the 2nd pitcher was the one who BN was focused on. It was that vile, Just-For-Men-bearded, disco-dancing closer known as Brian Wilson.
BN sensed his opportunity. BN stood up, allowing his Dodger Blue "Beat The Giants" shirt to become fully visible to Wilson. BN Then shouts:
"Hey Wilson, YOU SUCK!! You're no beach boy! Get outta here, ya bum!"
After shouting this very intellectual thing at Wilson, BN proceeds to mock Brian Wilson's hand gestures. You know the ones The Brown Note is talking about, lovely readers. The one where he crosses his arms, does a little shimmy, then points to the sky? Well, BN does this, too, except instead of pointing to the sky, BN does a D-Generation X crotch chop, and then boos loudly.
Wilson very clearly hears and see this. BN knows this because Wilson looks directly at BN and points. Then, without breaking his stride or eye contact with BN, and without bringing his hand down, Wilson's pointed finger becomes a fist. That fist then becomes a thumbs-up. Then, with a slight turn of the wrist, that thumbs-up becomes a thumbs-down. The nameless pitcher begins to laugh. Wilson begins to laugh. BN doesn't see the humor. Fortunately, neither do the rest of the Dodger faithful in section 132, and the entire grandstand erupts into catcalls. Victory: Brown Note.
Because The Brown Note's witty insults obviously flustered Mr. Wilson, he didn't even enter the game to pitch that day. The Dodgers won 2-1 off a majestic, 648 foot home run by Manny Ramirez. The game was saved by Jonathan Broxton, or as BN has now come to call him, "Tyler Walker Blue".
Brian Wilson, after that day, would go on to blow only 3 saves all season. Jonathan Broxton would go on to actually lose the closer's job after a 40-pitch INNING in which he gave up 3 runs. What a fuckin' scrub. Representative of this, The VaGiants would, as we all know, go on to become World Champions. The Dodgers would plummet to 4th place, thereby negating all the lovely insults the Brown Note used to hurl at the VaGiants and their obnoxious, front-running fans:
- 0 Splash Hits, 6 World Titles
- To hell with the scoreboard, check the standings!!
- BAAAAAAAALLLLLLCOOOOOOO!!! (Actually, this one is still just perfect. Screw THAT guy.)
- Ok, Ok, I'm sorry. You guys are pretty good. For a 4th place team, and all.
- I guess if I played for the Giants, I'd wish everyday was Halloween, too. That way, I could hide my face.
- What kind of gay team wears vanilla instead of white?
- See you in October!! Oh, wait....
Now that The VaGiants have won the World Series, which is the worst thing that could ever happen, The Brown Note is forced to change tactics. Feel free to make these your own, or tweak them slightly, if you wish, you true baseball-loving, not fair-weather readers, you:
- Well, now if you can just win 5 more, you can sit at the big kids table!
- So wait, if you beat the Rangers, and the Rangers beat the A's, and the A's beat you, doesn't that make the A's better than you? Remember '89!
- What size ring do you thing Barry wears? Oh wait, doesn't matter.
- Lincecum, stop smoking meth!
- See you again in 2066!!
- Hey, imagine if you weren't paying Zito 126 million, you fuckin' tools.
Last but not least, there was one good thing that came out of this for the people of San Francisco. The Mother of all Gay Pride Parades!! They love those!!
And now, a fantastic rant, that has nothing to do with baseball, from The BN's philosophical brothers at The Young Turks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDS2LScjkNc
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