A Fool Speaks Loudest: Throwback Thursday: 80's Ladies Edition

The 1980's were heady times to be a child. Of course, I am biased; I am a child of the 1980's myself. Just think about it, though: in the 80's, parks were potentially dangerous, and far more awesome, than today's versions. Remember the "merry-go-rounds" at your local haunt? Bonus points if you ever managed to spin it so fast that your buddy went hurtling off of it onto the bark-covered ground. During the 1980's, you could go out for pizza with your family and watch an audio-animatronic rock band sing Beatles covers, or play pinball while your aunt blew cigarette smoke in your face. Dodgeball was an encouraged form of socialization, the more violently you were able to smash your buddies in the face with a red ball from 10 feet away, the better, and a distinct and strictly adhered-to pecking order was established, but we all went home friends. Converse All-Stars were considered athletic shoes. Video games came in 56 colors and 8-bits, with beeping, booping, gloriously catchy music, and high scores were a thing. Who didn't love entering their initials (or a 3-lettered, abbreviated curse word) on the 'congratulations' screen, the reward of a quarter well-spent? Oh yeah, arcade games cost a quarter! Toys were fantastically simple, yet gloriously complex (Transformers or Go-Bots? Masters of the Universe or Thunder-Cats?). Kids rode 3-wheeled, plastic bikes designed to look like KITT from Knight Rider or Evel Knievel's motorcycle, usually dragging a skateboard or a wagon behind them, attached by a rope that our parents didn't seem to miss, or at least didn't mind that we were fooling with, and we never wore a helmet. Movie monsters were created with make-up or puppets, and were infinitely more terrifying than anything that can be produced with today's CGI affects. It was in this glorious atmosphere of primary colors and pegged pants that I became a man...

If you don't understand this, you never will, and I'm sorry for you.

Of course, as the old saying goes, behind every good man is a good woman, and my journey to Mountain Dew-swilling, punk-rocking, acne-covered manhood was coaxed along by a great many majestic and inspirational women. These ladies were as much a part of my adolescence as Luke Skywalker, Bruce Wayne, or Lion-O, except these ladies taught me lessons that those Lords of the Earth simply could not: they taught me how to love. Here, then, is a tribute to my past muses, may it envelop them in all the glory they deserve.

Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia):

Any true dweeb of the 1980's between the ages of 7-18 cannot deny that the magnificent Ms. Fisher was their first love. Her initial appearance (cinnamon-bun braids, plain, white, head-to-toe robe) was not nearly as intoxicating as her later, enslaved-princess motif, but she exuded confidence and power that was difficult to ignore. At age 6, I cared little for her confidence or power, and was far more concerned with somehow transporting myself to Hoth and trading places with Luke Skywalker in that chair on that frozen rebel base.

Her clear preference for the good and honorable Luke over the roguish nerf-herder Han Solo encouraged me to be respectable and kind to others if I ever wanted to have a chance of kissing such an ideal woman. Needless to say, I was taught another important lesson by Princess Leia: nice guys finish last. Han's aloof charm proved irresistible to the princess, and that whole sibling thing didn't really help Luke's cause. I could not stay mad for long, though, because Princess Leia turned out to be a pretty badass warrior in her own right, and really, I appreciated the learning experience. If Luke could go on with the rest of his life without even addressing that kiss on Hoth (not that he would want to breach THAT subject), then who was I to stay upset? The Force is strong with this one...

The original muse.

Martika (Kids Incorporated):

Once my old man caved in and ordered the Disney Channel, I encountered the face of this musical angel. There she was, Martika: a cool, older chick who was alright hanging out with dorkier kids, and she existed in this universe! I simply had to make her mine. I would practice my guitar until I was as excellent a player as Ryan Lambert, and we would revisit her rendition of "Human Nature" together, and we would live in perpetual harmony.

But, something happened. Martika started to act a little TOO cool. I mean, while everyone else was practicing their musical numbers, Martika seemed to be flouncing around putting on makeup. Although I cannot back this up with any evidence, Martika always seemed to be horning her way to the front of the stage, even when it was Stacy's, or Renee's, or Rashaan's turn to sing. When Martika abruptly left Kids Incorporated to go solo, I knew fame had gone to her head. I learned another important lesson about love from Martika: beauty isn't everything. Never again would I be taken in by the feminine wiles of a lovely lady's siren call. When the chips were down for Kids Incorporated, Martika bailed on her friends, and that was a pretty lousy thing to do. Of course, she was eventually replaced in Kids Incorporated with a girl who would grow into a lady that would inspire me in the 1990's, and continues to do so until this day:

Given this, I suppose I should thank Martika for her self-absorption. After all, she gave the world Jennifer Love Hewitt. We salute you (like Toy Soldiers), Martika.

Miss Elizabeth:

The unsullied, untouchable, pinnacle of purity known as Miss Elizabeth. In my wildest dreams, I would never have imagined actually going on a date, or even speaking to, this lovely woman (I had far too much reverence and respect for the "Macho Man"). But Miss Elizabeth would succeed where Martika had failed. Miss Elizabeth was an example of loyalty and selfless class. Elizabeth helped a broken man (yours truly) pick up the pieces and believe in love again. Of course, in some ways love is an albatross, and Liz, through no fault of her own, helped me learn another important lesson about relationships. See, here's what happened: We went from this:

To THIS:

Now, how could this happen? How could such a shining example of loyalty and beauty be turned into arm candy for a bald, over-tanned, steroid-riddled buffoon? It's quite simple: Elizabeth felt under-appreciated in her relationship with Randy Savage, and to help Randy see the errors of his ways, Elizabeth had to do things that she may not have wanted to do. The lesson learned, then, is not to take love for granted. If you find a decent woman, you must treat her with the admiration she deserves. A lady who is truly good will have self-respect, and will not allow any man to treat her with anything less than the utmost respect himself. Indeed, before things got better between Randy and Elizabeth, I would learn another important lesson about love from another of Randy's "laaaaddddiiieees"....

Sensational Sherri:

You see, Randy knew that ladies are like buses: Another one will be along in approximately 15 minutes. Sherri was many things that Elizabeth was not: Elizabeth was demure, Sherri was boisterous. Elizabeth was a bright light in an evil world, Sherri was an unapologetically ruthless capitalist. However, Sherri was the first woman I ever loved who oozed darkness. There was something forbidden about the Sensational Queen, and as we all know, there is something irresistible about the darkness. Sherri was the first woman who made me understand what Leia saw in Han. Of course, there is yet another lesson to learn from Sherri: darkness does not make a very good long-term option. Sure, you'll have fun for a while, it will be intense and it will be intoxicating, but ultimately, there is no substitute for goodness. Which lead us to this...

I salute you, Miss Elizabeth. God rest your beautiful soul.

Susanna Hoffs:

Some may argue that Belinda Carlisle is the hottest member of any 80's girl group. Those people are horribly, absurdly mistaken. Susanna Hoffs is everything an 80's adolescent crush should be. I was completely head-over-heels for Ms. Hoffs, a sentiment shared by Prince, of all people, so that's how you know that she was the greatest. The only lesson of love I learned from Susanna Hoffs is how cruel and unfair it is. She was perfect, totally unattainable, and her band was enjoyable. I watched the video for "Walk Like An Egyptian" 1,000 times, because I legitimately liked the song, although Susanna Hoffs' segment of the video received most of my rapt attention. The sideways glance with which she blesses the camera was quite obviously directed squarely at me. Perhaps I had a chance after all?

Quite simply, the moment Susanna Hoffs entered my world, she became the measuring stick for all future adolescent crushes. Her aura would later be perfected by Alyssa Milano, who was not particularly crush-worthy in the mid-80's (I guess I always had a thing for older chicks), but who reigns to this day as my all-time celebrity muse. Susanna Hoffs is the Babe-raham Lincoln of babes.

Honorable Mentions: I thought it would be appropriate to include this list, because all of these lovely ladies did, at the very least, adorn a special section of my bedroom wall. The years have not been kind to my sense of time, so it is highly possible that these ladies entered my consciousness as late as the early 90's. To summarize, I give all of the following girls a Weston Elementary-approved "W"!